


now the sun is gone

by meanstoflourish



Category: Amar a Muerte (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-01-26 04:16:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 32,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21368044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meanstoflourish/pseuds/meanstoflourish
Summary: Successful careers, two beautiful children and a home full of love: Valentina and Juliana's life was perfect.But just when their world was in complete balance, one of Valentina's pillars collapses, leaving her on the brink of an abyss. Losing herself to that pain almost costs her everything. Now, Valentina will have to find herself again and fight her inner demons...if she wants to return to Juliana and her family.
Relationships: Valentina Carvajal/Juliana Valdés
Comments: 115
Kudos: 348





	1. no beginnings

_A story has no beginning or end: arbitrarily one chooses that moment of experience from which to look back or from which to look ahead._

.

.

.

Valentina sits down at the desk by the window.

The desk is solid white metal, like everything in this place seems to be. White walls, white clothes, white windowsills. She wonders if all the white is supposed to represent peace, or make people feel calm, and if she's an outlier for wanting to bang her head against the window.

The picture outside her window is all vibrant oranges and reds, signals that fall is well underway, and it just makes everything in here seem even more washed out.

It also reminds her she's not in Mexico. There were only two seasons there:rainy, and dry. It was the only thing she missed about Canada, and one of the things that sold her into moving here, to New York. She loved the changing seasons. When she was younger she might have told her high school friends it was for the wardrobe changes, that she couldn't justify in Mexico, but the truth was she liked the visual proof of the passing of time. There was something beautiful in the leaves falling, in snow covering everything, and then melting to make way for the sun and the flowers. 

When Juliana got the offer to come to Manhattan, Valentina had thought it would be a great place to raise children.

_"Think about it, Juls. Going to the beach in the summer, picking flowers in the spring. Playing in the leaves during the fall. The snow!"_

_"You're going to be picking flowers, morrita?" _

_"You know what I mean." She held their daughter closer to her chest. "She's going to love it."_

_"Are you sure?" I don't want to uproot us to a different country, where we don't know anybody-"_

_"I'm sure. It's a great opportunity for the brand, and you're not making this decision alone. We're doing it as a family."_

_Juliana had smiled. _

_"I'll call them back."_

Valentina sighs.

She wishes they'd stayed in Mexico. She knows it wouldn't have changed anything, but maybe it would have been different. Maybe she'd feel less guilty now if she'd been there when it happened.

She's no stranger to losing people. 

She lost her mom when she was just a little girl, but in the months leading up to her death, she was by her side as much as she was allowed. She lost her dad, at his wedding of all places, but she'd been living under his roof for most of her life, seeing him every morning at breakfast. She'd been there. This guilt, it's new. 

She runs her hands through her hair, trying to dislodge her growing headache. Her hair is shorter now, just past her shoulders. Being a working mother left little time for the expensive, time consuming hair routines she'd loved in her twenties. But she liked it. It was who she was now. 

She looks down at the blank piece of paper, and sighs.

The therapist said it would help. She doesn't see how. She doesn't know where to start. 

Valentina puts pen to paper.

_Dear Nicolás ,_

_I don't know how this is supposed to help me, but I'm doing it any ways because I can't lie to the therapist, and she will ask when she sees me. It's part of the deal. I have to go to therapy to expect to be treated with a modicum of respect, like a fucking human being._

She stops writing.

She's not really writing to him, she's just writing in case the therapist reads her letter, which she promised she wouldn't do. It makes her feel oddly guilty, as if her son really would read this letter one day, just because it was addressed to him. 

She starts over.

_Dear Nico,_

_I miss you. All I can think about is how much I miss you, and your sister._

_I miss your feet the most, is that weird? I miss counting your little toes and placing kisses to the tiny soles of your feet. When you were born, I would nibble on your feet to make you laugh. It made Juliana laugh too._

Valentina stops writing. She can't think about Juliana, let alone write about her.

_You were so small. You still are. My little baby boy. I miss holding you every minute of every day. It hurts. I can't believe I'm not with you right now. It's not fair. _

_I would sing to my belly when you were inside me. I wanted you to know me from the moment you were conceived. I miss you. I want you with me._

_This is bullshit._

She scratches out the last line, and puts the pen down. 

A few drops make the ink run, and it takes her a moment to realize that she's crying. The tears running down her cheeks are ruining the paper.

It happens out of nowhere these days. She's always one step away from breaking, and she doesn't know how to control it, even less so now that she's locked away from everything. She misses her family. Her children. Her sister. Her brother. 

"Lights out in fifteen," a voice says over the speakers. Valentina takes a staggering breath. 

She's been here for an entire day already. 

Fourteen more to go. 


	2. the things you love

_You do this, you do. You take the things you love_

_and tear them apart_

_._

_._

_._

_Valentina covered her wife's hand where they rested on her belly._

_"I feel like every girl in the world is named Mia, or Daniela, or María. I want something different," she told Juliana._

_"I agree."_

_"But not something made up. Or hard for people to pronounce," Valentina said. "We don't want her to get bullied."_

_"Okay. So nothing out of Game of Thrones."_

_"I mean, I wouldn't say nothing..."_

_Juliana pinched her side, and Valentina gasped. _

_"You'd pinch the mother of your children?" she told Juliana, who just pressed a kiss to her cheek._

_"How about Frida?" Juliana asked. Valentina thought about it. The name was beautiful, and with history, but it didn't feel right. _

_"Too much pressure. Isabel?"_

_"That's pretty common," Juliana said._

_"I know, but we could call her Chabela," Valentina argued. "Chabelita."_

_"Then why not just name her Chabela?"_

_"Now that's too much pressure." _

_"So, no naming her after Frida Kahlo or Chavela Vargas. Got it."_

_"I mean, let's not rule it out. Selena Gomez' parents named her after Selena, and look where she ended up. We could be raising the next Selena Gomez." _

_Juliana laughed against her neck, while Valentina's fingers continued tracing patterns over her wife's belly. _  
  
_"How about Montserrat?" Juliana offered. _

_"There was a Montserrat in 4th grade who made fun of my nose," Valentina told her. "I'm not naming our daughter Montserrat."_

_Juliana chuckled. "I love your nose, by the way." _

_Valentina smiled. _

_"Thank you." She sighed. "How about Gretel? Oh! Griselda." Valentina suggested. _

_"So her nickname would be Chela?" Juliana asked. "You're going to name our daughter after beer?"_

_Valentina laughed. "I hadn't thought about that."_

_"We might as well listen to the book you bought and name her Brandy."_

_Valentina laughed, breathless. She'd bought a book on baby names earlier in Juliana's pregnancy, only to find the suggestions were godawful things like Kaylee and Laykenn._

_"No, not Brandy," Juliana said. "We have to be true to our roots. Imagine this, first child named Mezcal in the history of Mexico."_

_Valentina laughed, caressing her belly. "Our Mezcalita." _

_Juliana shook her head, and kissed her shoulder._

_"Are we sure we don't like Daenerys?" Valentina asked._

_"How about Leonora," Juliana said, suddenly. "For your dad, Leon. I mean, I know its not the same, but Leona is weird. Leonora...it's old school, but pretty. And it's not common."_

_"Leonora," Valentina repeated. She liked it. _

.

Waking up is cruel that morning. 

For a second, for just a small golden sliver of time as she fights through the last layers of sleep, Valentina thinks she's home. She thinks she'll wake up to Leonora poking her side to be lifted on to her mothers' bed. She thinks she'll be woken up by Juliana's gentle kisses, their fussy son in her arms demanding to be fed, which only she can do. She thinks she'll be home: happy, warm, and safe. 

She opens her eyes, and meets the off-white color of the roof. 

It comes back at once, where she is, why she's there. The bitterness that floods her makes facing the new day with anything apart from contempt, impossible. She wants it to be over already.

"Mrs.Carvajal-Valdés, breakfast is almost over," that goddamn voice says over the speakers. 

She's not hungry. And she hates the reminder that they're watching her, all the time. That there are cameras even in the austere, empty white room. Like she can't be trusted. 

She slips on the stupid white slippers they provided her with, and makes her way to the dining hall. It looks more like a high school cafeteria than any decent place to eat a meal, but she didn't even get to pick the place. Something about her "considerable assets" possibly allowing her to choose a place where she could "manipulate" her treatment. The case worker chose this for her. 

Breakfast is a bland fruit salad and some orange juice that she can't even taste on the way down. They won't even let her have a fucking coffee. Real coffee, not the decaf shit. 

Valentina runs her hands through her hair.

She doesn't like who she's becoming.

The bitterness, the darkness. It takes control and makes her clench her hands until her nails bite into her palms. She never used to curse. She never used to feel like everything that happened in her life was specifically designed to make her sink lower and lower into a pit of sadness and despair.

Once upon a time, Valentina believed in fate.

She thought things were meant to be. 

She genuinely believed that the universe conspired to bring her the love of her life when she was at her lowest, that God or fate had taken her dad but given her Juliana instead. That she was meant to learn something from his death. That everything happened for a reason.

That was bullshit. 

.

_"Leo, not so fast!" Valentina yelled, hurrying after the toddler. _

_Juliana was closer, and after a couple of long strides managed to pick up the squealing little girl. Valentina slowed to a stop, her hand on her chest. Her soul coming back to her body. _

_The Chapultepec woods were huge, but Leonora was a surprisingly fast runner for a 3 year old, sharp and athletic as she was, and she was approaching the museum. Past that, there was the bike lane, and the open street filled with cars -way too many opportunities to get hurt if she didn't know to stop when her mothers said so. And she didn't. She was as fast as she was stubborn. _

_"Mami!" Leo complained, squirming in Juliana's arms. _

_"You shouldn't have eaten so much sugar when you were pregnant," Valentina told Juliana as she approached them. "I'm sure this is your fault, somehow."_

_Juliana understood her attempt to bring levity to the situation for what it was. _

_"Are you kidding? She acts just like you. This is all on you." _

_She grabbed Juliana's hand when she was close enough, and they breathed a mirror sigh of relief. The mental picture of her 3 year old running straight into traffic kept making her heart pound inside her chest. _

_"How'd she get away from us like that?" she asked softly. Juliana shook her head. She carried Leonora to a bench, where they sat down. Juliana made the girl stand up in front of them, and held her by her hands._

_"You can't run away like that," she said, stern. Leonora's bottom lip wobbled._

_"Juls, don't," Valentina reminded her. _

_They were trying not to use physical discipline. Juliana especially, had been raised on her mom's chancla, and it was a struggle to take a different path sometimes. Valentina herself had found herself thinking that maybe a spanking might drive the message home to their child that she couldn't run away from them in public, and risk running straight into traffic._

_She took a deep breath._

_"You could get run over by a car," Juliana said harshly. "Do you understand?"_

_Leonora flinched. She turned toward Valentina, who was always the first to cave in, the softest of the two._

_"Mami."_

_"Mami nada," she told her. "Mamá is right. You could've gotten really hurt. When we tell you to stop you need to stop." _

_Leonora started crying then, and Valentina flinched with the sound, but refrained from whisking her up in her arms like nothing was wrong. This was the hardest part of being a mother. _

_''Let's go home," Juliana said, holding Leonora's hand. "We can come back when you learn to listen. Inventora."_

.

Valentina sits in the cold leather couch, her hands folded on top of her lap.

It's been at least 10 minutes, and all the therapist -Alba- has managed to get out of her have been short responses. She can't bring herself to be outright rude to her, her parents educated her too well for that, but her displeasure must be evident in her face. 

"Okay! So, the letters we talked about last session. Have you gotten started on that?" Alba's always cheerful disposition is starting to grate on her nerves, but she also feels bad for the woman. Working here can't be easy.

"Yes. I wrote one."

"Good. That's great. Who was it for?"

"Nico."

"I see. Would you like to talk about him? How old is he right now?"

All Valentina feels is longing. All she can think of is chubby pink cheeks and big brown eyes.

They'd been surprised, when he was born, that he had such dark eyes. The donor they chose had the same blue shade as Valentina. It was the same donor they used for Leonora, and even with Juliana's dark eyes, their daughter's eyes were brilliantly blue. But her baby boy was born with eyes as dark as the night. Her mother's eyes, her brother's eyes. A game of genetics, she knows. She and Eva looked like their dad, while Guille looked like their mom. So her son biologically resembled his grandma, his uncle. 

But when he slipped out screaming from between her legs all Valentina could think is that he looked just like Juliana. Which was impossible, absolutely impossible in every way. But he did. A perfect mix of the both of them. A miracle.

"He's 8 months old."

"I see."

"He needs his mom," she said, her throat tight. "I shouldn't be here."

"I agree that he needs his mom," Alba said. "But maybe we can rephrase that last sentence. Why don't we try thinking that you are here so you can be the mom he deserves?"

It's instant, the way her words makes her hackles rise. She feels like a panther trapped in a cage, making an effort to avoid lashing out. 

"I'm not a bad mom."

"Nobody is saying that, Valentina."

"If nobody was saying that, I wouldn't be here."

The therapist presses her lips together. Valentina thinks she's got her. 

"CPS doesn't think you're a bad mom," Alba says gently. "Your caseworker doesn't think that either. You're a good mom who went through a very difficult time, and is struggling. We're here to help you with that."

The worst part is, she seems honest.

The worst part is, she said Valentina is struggling, and Valentina knows she is. She knows she's been drowning ever since she got that awful call all those months ago, and she can't seem to break the surface. A good drink used to help keep her centered, but that's what's indirectly landed her here, and she can't do that any more. She doesn't know what to do at all. 

Thinking about what actually got her here makes tears prickle in her eyes. 

Maybe she _is_ a bad mom. 

"It was a mistake," she croaks out. "It was just one mistake."

"What was?" Alba asks, and then clarity dawns on her face. "What happened with Leonor?"

She doesn't have the energy to correct her, and say it's Leonora, with an _a_ at the end. Valentina nods. 

"And Valentina, is that why you're here?"

She swallows saliva. "Yes."

Well, she finally got her to say it. That must be some sort of win for her. But the therapist doesn't look triumphant. If anything, her eyes are understanding. It makes her feel worse. 

"And what caused that mistake?"

There it is.

"I'd been drinking," Valentina answers. She'd been trying to stay afloat, to keep herself sane and functional for her children, for her wife, for herself. 

"Just drinking?" Alba asks. 

Valentina shakes her head. Her cheeks burn.

"What else?" Alba insists.

"I'd taken pills," her voice is rough, ashamed. "But I wasn't supposed to fall asleep like that."

"I understand."

She doesn't, Valentina thinks. There's no possible way she could. She doesn't even understand it herself, can't pinpoint where exactly her life starting getting out of her control, how it all got out of hand. 

She curls her legs under herself, and sinks her fingers in her hair.

"I'm a mess."

Alba extends a box of Kleenex toward her, and Valentina takes one. It feels like a type of defeat. 

"It's okay," the therapist says. "Now that we're talking about your family, do you want to talk about Juliana-"

"No." She doesn't. Because it's one thing to be in this place, and it's another thing to have your wife throw you there. 

"How about...your brother?"

Valentina stands up.

"I think our time is up." 

.

_Valentina stared at the clothes in her lap as she sat in the car. _

_It was probably the single worst purchase she made in her life. She didn't know they made funeral clothes this small. She'd come to pick up the _ _tiny black tuxedo for Nico. They'd all be flying back home to Mexico tomorrow, and Valentina didn't know how to feel. _

_Maybe Mexico would change the impasse she felt she was at, would make things real -real enough so she could let herself grieve, and stop needing a drink or three to fall asleep every night. Maybe she'd stop sneaking out of bed once Juliana was asleep, to drink at the midnight hour, like a thief in her own home. Late enough that nobody would notice, but not so late that she wouldn't be able to breastfeed Nico in the morning. A juggling act that she'd gotten good at in the past 2 days. _

_But maybe Mexico would make things worse. Maybe the heat of the city, so different than the cold New York City had to offer, would do her in for good, break her apart._

_Either way, she had to go. And _ _she had all the clothes now. _

_She put the suit back in its bag, and started the car to drive home. _

_It was the sickest kind of joke. Her baby had to look nice while she _ _put one of the people she loved the most in the world, in the ground. _

.

  
Valentina is back in her room by 6pm.

She has barely done anything today, and yet she feels exhausted. She needs to sleep. She needs a drink. 

She plops down on the sterile white sheets, trying, for the hell of it, to "classify her emotions" like they'd asked them to do earlier at group therapy. She's irritable. Irritated. Anxious. She's worried because she doesn't know what's going on at home. She's heartbroken because she isn't home. Her body is jittery, which she knows from experience is because she hasn't a drink in a while. Her chest aches. She's uncomfortable because she hasn't breastfed her baby, and the stupid pump in the bathroom is not the same thing.

She's ashamed, that it came to this. 

She can't help but run all the different scenarios in her mind, all the instances where she could have done something different. That day, especially, with Leonora. The night and days that followed. In her memories, Juliana's eyes are the worst of all. She remembers so clearly the way her wife had said "hand me the baby" when she picked up Nico, as though she was dangerous, as if she couldn't take care of her own son. And then the shame she felt, under the gaze of the social worker who arrived with _perfect timing_. The judgement she saw in her eyes. 

Her mind runs away from her. 

She imagines what would happen if this wasn't enough. If the social worker changed her mind, and agreeing to in-patient treatment wasn't enough to prove she would never be a danger to her children. Maybe she'd be declared an unfit parent and get even visitation rights taken away. She imagines all the money in the world not being able to do shit for her situation. She imagines Isabela, Juliana's god awful little secretary, home with her family right now. She imagines her holding her baby boy. She wonders if Juliana would tell _her_ to put him down. She imagines being replaced by her family. 

She imagines what her life would be like if _it _hadn't happened, if she hadn't lost one of her pillars, and had never crumbled like a building without foundations.

But it's pointless to imagine anything different than reality now. 

.

She puts pen to paper again that night, and it feels like an exorcism.

_Dear Juliana:_

_You knew I don't deal well with death. I think that's what hurts the most. You knew that. You met me when i was at my lowest, one glass of mezcal away from drowning in my pool, in my bath tub. And you saved me. _

_So I don't understand why this was different. Wasn't I allowed to mess up because I'm older now? I remeber every word from our fights, how you yelled that I needed to get myself together because I was a mother. I knew that, Juls. But my grief didn't. I've lost too many people. And I don't want to be insensitive-even now, after everything, I love you too much. But you don't understand. _

_You've only lost your dad, and you hated him._

_I loved every person I lost. And I've lost too many of them. They took a little bit of me with them, too._

_It makes sense then, why I wasn't enough. _

_I tried my hardest. I swear to you that I did. When I promise I'd stop drinking, I meant it. I just didn't realize it would be so hard. When I yelled at you about Isabela -I don't know if I meant that. Maybe I did, in the moment. Maybe my jealousy blinded me. Or maybe you really would be happier with her. When I screamed I wanted a divorce as soon as I got out of here-I didn't mean that. I can't live without you, even if I hate you a little bit right now. _

_You're my family._

_And all I want is for our family to be back together._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is no transmigration/supernatural in this fic's universe, so we are following the novela's events except that Leon and El Chino never came back. So both of the girls' dads are dead. Lucia is dead as well, as Johnny killed her, and Eva is still in jail for her involvement with Alacran.
> 
> Please let me know what you think!


	3. for love

_Move, not for reason, but love._

.

.

.

Valentina wipes the tear that runs down her cheek, and turns on the faucet of the bathroom sink.

It's probably stupid, she certainly feels stupid, but she can't help it. She's used to feeding Nico as soon as he wakes up. It's been part of her routine since he was born. He usually woke up early, before the sun was even done coming up. He woke at the same time as Juliana, and she was the one who brought him to her, after spending a few minutes with him herself. 

Juliana went to work early, but she almost always stayed curled up in bed with them for a little while. Nico would breastfeed, while Juliana hugged them both, her chin on Valentina's shoulder and her finger stroking the baby's cheek. 

And on those mornings when the chaotic firecracker they had for daughter woke up calmly, she would also make her way to their room, with her thumb in her mouth and her favorite stuffed animal under her arm, and would demand that they lift her onto the bed.

Being huddled between the blankets on a cold morning, with her baby in my arms and her girls by her side, was the most magical place in the world.

She doesn't have that right now.

And maybe that's what making her cry. Because it's not even the physical discomfort, the very real pain she feels on her chest due to the uncomfortable accumulation of milk that has nowhere to go, and that she's forced to relieve with a manual pump. No, what's happening is that the purely physical discomfort becomes worse with every thought she has. 

It feels horrible to know that at home, what she had pumped and saved for Nico had probably being used up already, while she's here, in the bathroom of this godforsaken place, watching milk go down the sink drain.

It's painful in a way that she doesn't think anyone who's not a mother would understand.

She wants her mornings in bed back, that feeling of having the people she loves the most in her arms. She wants to feed her baby, and serve her little girl cereal, and talk to Juliana, so that they could be the couple they used to again. Kiss her before she goes to work. And if none of that is possible, she just wants to be able to see them.

But this is her third day here, and she hasn't received any information from her family. Every time she asks, they encourage her to focus on herself, as if Nicolás and Leonora aren't a part of her. Even Juliana is. Their hearts have beat like one since they met.

Maybe it was stupid to think it would last forever. What she hadn't imagined is that she would be the reason it would end.

"Mrs. Carvajal-Valdés, you have a call," a voice she hasn't before rings through the speakers. "Tiene llamada," she repeats in a strongly accented Spanish. 

She's in front of the door in seconds.

It opens shortly after, and one of the young women who works there—she really doesn't know if they are nurses or something else—is waiting for her, with a cell phone in hand.

"It's a video call," the woman clarifies, and Valentina nods, taking the cell phone at once.

She's expecting Juliana to be on the screen. Maybe Leonora, because God knows her toddler knows how to work a phone, or even Eva exchanging favors from jail back in Mexico to be able to contact her. But she doesn't expect who's actually calling her. 

"Lupita."

"Hello Valentina. How are you? How do you feel?"

Shame is all she feels in that moment.  
  
She remembers how things were at the beginning, when Lupita didn't want to see her around, how she'd thought she was taking advantage of Juliana or that she had done something to her. Perhaps her mother in law had been right, even if for different reasons. She did end up being the bad guy in the movie.

"I'm okay," she tells her, willing it to be true. "Did Juliana call you? Are you in...Are you in Mexico?"

"No, no. Panchito and I came to New York for a few days."

She nods. At least Juliana would have someone to help her. They hadn't wanted to hire a nanny. Maybe they should have.

“Juliana told us what happened, and we came to keep her company. Keep everybody company, and help."

"Thank you," Valentina gets out.

She's aware they're talking in circles, avoiding mentioning the most important things.

“How are they?” she asks in a scratchy voice. She hasn't realized until now how not talking so often has had an effect on her already. "Are they there?"

Lupita looks out of the screen, to a place she can't see.

"Nico is here. He's asleep."

"Can I see him?" Her voice shakes, and she feels frail, as though all of her is made of glass. In this moment she could beg to see her son, who feels so close, yet so far away.

"Sure," Lupita replies, although Valentina feels her reticence. As if she doesn't know whether it is the right thing to do. Valentina isn't sure how she fucked up so much in life that showing her the baby she gave birth to could be wrong. 

Lupe walks inside the room Valentina knows how to navigate, even in the dark, and turns the phone around so she can see inside the crib. Nico is sleeping indeed, his perfect pink lips making a little "o".

It hurts.

Her arms feel horribly empty, and she's grateful that Lupita isn't seeing her, because her tears begin to escape again. She needs to get out of here. She needs to be home again more than she needs to breathe.

"He's being so good, Valentina. He misses you though. Juliana told me that he's not sleeping through the night anymore. And well, he doesn't like formula..." Lupita stops talking, far too late after every word out of her mouth confirms her fears. Her feeling of being the worst mother in the world. "But you don't have to worry about that," Lupita says. 

Lupita turns her cell phone again, Nico's image disappearing from the screen.

"You just have to worry about feeling better, and we'll be waiting for you at home. Okay?"

She nods. What else can she do?

“Ma'am?” The nurse asks, back at the door. "I'm sorry. Time's up."

"I'm running out of time," she tells Lupe. "They're going to take my cell phone. Can you tell Juliana...Tell Juls that..."

She doesn't know what to say, and she hates it.

It's never been difficult for her to know what to say to Juliana. Apart from those moments after their first kiss when they were too shocked to know what to say or do, everything with Juliana has been easy.

But not anymore.

Because the truth is that a few days ago, she had taken a nap, and woken up to a suitcase near the door and Juliana putting a coat on Leonora. The truth is that Juliana had been taking her children away, to leave them "a couple days" with her stupid fucking secretary. That when she had picked up Nico, and asked for explanations, Juliana had asked her to put the baby down, as if she could harm her own son.

And after those tense minutes someone knocked on the door, and when Juliana opened it a social worker from child protective services stepped inside.

The truth is that no matter how much Juliana had promised and sworn that she hadn't been the one who had reported her to CPS, everything pointed to the contrary. And it had only been too inconvenient that she had delayed everything, and Juliana and the kids were still at home when the CPS woman arrived.

She doesn't know what to tell Lupita.

_Tell Juliana I love her?_ It's true, of course, but she also hates her a little, and in any case, they have a lot to talk about before she can send her that message via cell phone. _Tell Juliana to take care of the children?_ She's already doing it, Valentina is sure of it, and she knows she's doing it well. Juliana is an amazing mother. Although at first she had been afraid, and had confessed that she'd never wanted a family, everything changed after they got married and decided to have children. From the moment Juls discovered that she was pregnant with Leonora, there was no going back. She was the best mom. She is the best mom. 

Her wife is a tigress who will protect their children with her life. Valentina knows they will always be safe with her—even if the two of them aren't okay, even if everything is falling apart. Nico and Leonora will be safe with Juls.

She guesses she can understand how terrible it was for Juliana not being able to say the same about her.

"Say hello to Juliana for me," she says simply, and hands the cell phone back to the young woman before her mother-in-law can say anything else. 

"You have therapy at 12," the woman reminds her before disappearing with her cell phone

.

_She finished folding the sheet, and put it in the bottom drawer of the dresser. _

_It was white, made of mahogany, and they had bought it at an IKEA in Chicago, months before Juliana had become pregnant with Leonora. They'd already started trying at the time, and though they only had been through one round of insemination, they were too excited. The piece of furniture was so beautiful that they decided to buy it, although they still didn't need it. _

_It took 2 more rounds and a couple more months, but they finally saw the plus sign on the pregnancy test, which said they were going to be moms. 8 months later, Leonora was born._

_And now, 3 years later, they were reusing the furniture for her little brother's room._

_Valentina closed the drawer, and got up from the carpet where she was sitting carefully. Her back hurt a little, and she thought if she could get Leonora to take a nap, maybe she could take a hot bath before preparing dinner. Valentina frowned, her train of though alerting her to the fact that she _ _hadn't heard Leonora in a while, and her little girl was never quiet. If she was silent it was because she was doing something that she probably wasn't supposed to be doing._

_“Leonora?” she called out. There was no response. "Leo? Leonora!"_

_She went into her bedroom, but she wasn't there, not even under the bed where she sometimes liked to hide. She entered their bedroom, but she wasn't there either, or in their bathroom, or the closet._

_Valentina h_ _urried down the stairs. all the while cursing having got a two-story apartment. It was too big, and it offered too many spaces to hide. Leonora was not in Juliana's office or in her office. The rest of the first floor was a large space where the kitchen, living room, and dining room coexisted, and she couldn't see her. She crouched down carefully, holding her stomach, to see if she was under the dining room table. She wasn't there._

_She couldn't find her daughter anywhere._

_And then she noticed the front door, slightly ajar._

_Fuck._

_She ran as fast her 8 month pregnant belly allowed, but Leo wasn't in the hallway. They lived on the top floor, they had the penthouse all to themselves. There was nowhere to go but down._

_She went back into the apartment, trying to breathe. She hurried to call the reception._

_“Hello?” she said, not caring how desperate it sounded. "I think my daughter might be riding the elevator by herself." _ _The door that opened to the stairs was too heavy for Leonora to open by himself, and she was already able to reach the elevator button, so that was where must be. _ _"She's 3 years old, can you check?" _

_She put the phone down as soon as the guy at the front desk promised me that he would check the security cameras to see where she was. He told her that no one—much less a little girl—had left the building, but that did little to calm her down. Leonora didn't need to go out to get into trouble. She was an expert at finding it._

_She called the elevator, her mind tormented with images of what could be happening every moment that Leonora was not with her. How could she have gotten distracted like this? God, what was she going to say to Juliana?_

_The elevator arrived before she could begin hyperventilating, consumed with the panic that someone could take their girl._

_The elevator doors opened-and there she was. Leonora, happy and safe, holding an old lady's hand._

_"Hi mom!"_

_"Leonora!"_

_She got down on her knees immediately, not caring about how she was going to get up later._

_Leonora hugged her, and she was too relieved to scold her right away._

_"She was walking around on the hallway, all by herself," the old woman said. _

_"I'm so sorry," Valentina apologized. "I don't know how she opened the door. Thank you. Thank you, so much."_

_The lady looked them up and down, and went back into the elevator._

_"No problem," she said. "Just keep an eye on your children."_

_Her tone made her feel embarrassed, and the pregnancy hormones kicking her ass so bad that she had to choke back a couple of tears. Leonora wiped them away when she failed, and they fell down her cheeks. That little action made her cry even more._

_She got up as well as she could, and picked up her daughter, although her swollen stomach made it almost impossible._

_They went back into the apartment, and Valentina took a hot bath— ith Leonora locked in the bathroom with her. After her heart returned to normal, she sent a text to Juliana, comprised of only one line._

_Do you know that you gave birth to Houdini?_

.

"And when we got home, she'd painted her brother blue."

The therapist laughs, and Valentina smiles. She can't help it, because the shock of arriving home with Juliana and seeing their blue baby is still funny, when almost nothing else is.

It's strange, because she hasn't felt comfortable in this office at any point, until now. But having been able to see Nico had changed something in her. All she wants to do now is to cooperate, show everyone that she's fine, and be able to return home as soon as possible.

"And it wasn't even washable paint, no," she tells Alba. "Juliana had bought our 3 year old some oil paints for her to learn because my wife can be..."

She stops. It's so easy to call Juliana her wife, so easy to forget where they were with each other, what the last words they exchanged were.

What she'd told her last. 

_As soon as I get out of here, I want a divorce._

She breathes in.

"Because Juliana can be a little exaggerated, and she didn't want our daughter to paint with just anything."

"Did you agree, or did you want to buy something else?"

She shrugs.

It's one of those questions that are so out of the blue she's sure she's answering in regards to something else, that the therapist has written something down in her little notepad that she's not privy to. But she answers either way.

"I didn't care. It was just paint. Juliana has always wanted to give our children the best. She didn't grow up with much, and… ” She shrugs again. It really was just paint. "Panchito, Juliana's stepfather, had shown Avatar to Leonora that day. And she wanted an Avatar for a little brother. So she turned him into one herself."

"Sounds like Leonora is very special," Alba says. 

"She's something else. It took us hours to clean the baby. He was only 15 days old. It's a miracle the paint didn't give him an allergy."

She still remembers walking through the door, and finding Panchito asleep on the couch. She, Juliana, and Lupita had been shopping, and left Panchito in charge. She'd needed to feel a little more human, and it had been the first time she left the house after the birth, for something that wasn't a doctor's appointment. She'd regretted it a little when they walked in and the apartment was in complete silence. 

They'd climbed the stairs as quickly as possible, and found Leonora. She was standing in front of the crib, her arms between the bars, covering her little brother from head to toe with blue paint.

She and Juliana had founds little blue handprints around the house for days after that, and they reminded them of the incident over and over again. After the scare, and knowing that Nico was okay, they usually ended up doubled over with laughter. It had been so easy to laugh back then. 

"Apparently Leonora has a lot of energy, and many wild ideas." the therapist says, in that way that makes Valentina feel like her children are in a National Geographic special. "It's normal in children her age, but apparently Leonora has put her ideas into practice. It can be difficult to deal with that behavior."

"No," she denies. "She doesn't give us trouble. It's not difficult."

"I see. But maybe you have to keep an eye on her all the time, right?"

"Yes. I guess so."

The therapist nods, and writes something down in her notebook.

She can't help but feel judged, although Alba repeats over and over every session that she's not judging her, that Valentina in't sitting in the dock and nobody is judging her. But that's how it feels. And the worst part is thinking that any wrong answer can take away her children from her or change the opinion of the social worker.

"Now that we're talking about Leonora, Valentina, maybe you want to tell me about the other incident that happened with her?"

She wants to cooperate, yes. But just remembering makes tears sting her eyes.

"No. Not today."

"Okay," said Alba. "So do you want to tell me how it all started? You've done really well today. I feel that we're moving forward. But as I've told you before, although I'm here to help, I can't help you if you don't help yourself."

She nods. She's heard it before. 

"OK."

"Yes? So can we talk about what drove you to drink?"

She bites her lip. She just wants to go home, have her children in her arms, talk to Juliana and see if they can be the same as before. She just wants this part, where she feels like a butterfly on display, with pinned down wings, to end. But it isn't going to end until she faces everything.

She has to look at that badly healed wound and have the courage to rip it open it again, to make it sprout blood. The pain can't be worse than what she feels now, away from her family.

"So...can you tell me what happened with Guillermo?"

She releases all the air in her lungs, and arms herself with courage.

"Guille. We called him Guille."

She takes a breath and starts talking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Everything is falling into place. Next chapter is one big extended flashback that goes through everything that happened. Let me know what you think.


	4. a grotesque animal, part 1

_The past is a grotesque animal. Every time you remember it, it changes shape. _

_._

_._

_._

Juliana shook her head.

“We're going to be settling down in New York, and you're going to be dealing with a pregnancy-“

"I'm going to be pregnant, not sick," she corrected Juliana.

"I felt sick at first," she replied.

“But we don't know if it’s going to be like that for me,” she insisted. Juliana´s reasons for postponing starting the process to have another baby didn't have enough weight for her.

The truth was that they already had the idea, and they were both too excited. Leonora was becoming increasingly independent, much sooner than they would have liked, and Valentina already missed having a baby at home. They had planned to have more kids, Juliana wanted two and she had convinced her of three, and they didn't want to wait.  
  
They had decided that as soon as the opening date of the Elena and León Carvajal Foundation branch in Oaxaca passed, they would start trying again.

But only two days later Juliana was offered the change to be part of a fashion show in New York, and the American brand liked Juliana's designs so much that they offered her a place in their shop, a collaboration with them for New York Fashion Week. Of course she had to accept.

Valentina had encouraged her to do it. But she didn't think it was going to make her want to change their plans.

"We said we wanted to use the same donor from Leonora," Valentina reminded her. Biology was not important to them, but they decided that it would be better if their children were half-siblings at least, just for medical reasons, in case something ever happened. “That clinic, and those samples, are in Mexico.”

“You’re right. But we can come back. We _will_ come back.”

“When, in a year? More? Leonora is 3 already, we said we wanted them to be close in age.”

Juliana chuckled.

“Morrita, it sounds to me that you’ve already decided you’re having a baby.”

“I obviously want another baby, but I can't get pregnant by myself.”

“Yes, you can, technically.”

Valentina hung herself Juliana’s shoulder, pouting.

“Julianaaa.”

Juls laughed, and kissed her on the chee.k

"It was our plan before we knew we were moving," Valentina said. “I just don’t think that we should change our plans. Where we are doesn’t matter.”

Juliana looked at her doubtfully.

“Then we shouldn’t move. We should stay here, and follow our plans.”

“Juls, the brand…”

“My family is more important.”

She took Juliana's face in her hands. One of the things she loved the most about her was the way she always put their family first. She knew it had a lot to do with the life her father had given her. She knew that Juliana hadn’t really known peace until the moment her father was killed in the electric chair. She knew how difficult it had been when Juliana and her mother had come to Mexico, fleeing the hitmen who felt that El Chino Valdés had died without adjusting his balance, and his daughter and wife had to pay instead.

Their daughter had never wanted for anything. And they didn't depend on her dad's inheritance, they both worked for her, to give her everything she needed, including a good example.

It wasn’t just material things, Leonora had never lacked love.

Juliana had confessed to her that she was afraid of not being a good mom, that she was afraid of not being affectionate enough and not knowing how to kiss bruises, because nobody had ever kissed her own. Her father hadn’t loved her, and her mother had been working all the time or taking care of her father. She was afraid of being too sheltered with a little person who was going to need her completely open and available 24 hours a day, who would depend on her to face the world.

But her fears turned out to be unfounded, because Juliana was nothing but sweet with their daughter.

Leonora was having the childhood Juls couldn't have. Every day was an adventure for her. Occasionally Juliana would come home from work, and for no reason, brought Leonora a new doll. Any random day of the the week she would decide that they should all go to the park, to see the squirrels and play. Every night without fail they read her a bedtime story, and kissed her on each cheek.

Valentina even swore that she’d enjoyed her pregnancy more than Juliana herself. She had spent so much time worrying about eating the right things, doing everything the doctors said. She had been terrified of any strange pain and had felt like a failure when at first, she had being so nauseous that she couldn’t eat anything, and had begun to lose weight. All because she was afraid of hurting the baby. But Juls would never hurt Leonora.

Juliana loved their daughter with everything she had. She poured in her all the love she didn't receive from her own dad, and even more. And she dedicated all her time to her. That was what Valentina liked most.

Her dad had loved her, she knew that, but he had worked too much, all her life. Even when she was the last child, and Grupo Carvajal was already consolidated. Her dad always worked. She saw him at breakfast and that was it, because he used to arrive so late that it was past her bedtime. She had promised not to be like that, and she never had to talk to Juliana about it, because for her it was natural.

Even after Leonora stopped breastfeeding, Juliana continued working from home until the baby turned one year old. After that they took turns going to the office. She would go to Grupo Carvajal some days, and manage the Carvajal Foundation and the company image, and Juliana would visite her brand's store and headquarters in others. And they never left Leonora wanting for either of their attentions. If they had another baby, it would be the same.

“My family is more important,” Juliana repeated. She stroked her wife's cheek with her thumb.

“You can have both.”

Juliana sighed, and looked away.

“Your work at Grupo Carvajal...”

“I'm going to keep doing it from a distance. Working from home doesn't matter to me. I’ll spend more time with Leo, and I’ll take care of the baby fulltime when he is born..

“You’ll be away from your brother and sister...”

“Guille can visit anytime, and Eva can write. If she wanted her to see me more often, she shouldn't have gotten her ass dragged to jail.”

Juliana raised an eyebrow.

“You don't mean that.”

“No,” Juliana granted. “But I can still fly back to Mexico from time to time.”

“Pregnant?”

“Pregnant, not sick,” she repeated.

“And later, you’re going to fly with a newborn?”

“We’ll get a private jet. Money won’t be an issue.

Juliana bit her lip. Her hands, which were perched on her waist, squeezed her.

“Can you see that I'm right?” Juliana asked.

Juliana smiled slightly, that smile she gave her when she knew Valentina had won.

“Can we do this? A new country, a new baby...”

Valentina gave her a kiss on the lips, short, but just as wonderful as all the kisses they had shared since that time first in her pool.

“It’s you and me, Juls. We can do anything.”

*

Juliana took the tray Valentina was carrying from her hands, and hurriedly put it on the table.

"Juls...I'm fine," she said, putting her hand on her stomach.

It still didn't feel real that there was a baby growing in there. She didn't feel different, and apart from the nausea (which was very mild) nothing had changed. She was 3 months pregnant, and still looked the same. Her belly was almost as flat as ever.

"Let me carry that for you anyways," Juliana insisted. Valentina smiled. She was so cute when she worried.

“The baby is like a grain of rice right now. I can carry a couple things.”

Juls put her hand above hers.

“So? Let me take care of my wife. And it's actually about the size of a lemon right now,” she told her. Valentina rolled her eyes. Juliana had probably finished reading the chapter of the pregnancy book they were currently reading. She had fallen asleep as soon as they got into bed the last few weeks. Lately, she felt more tired than ever. (Maybe not everything was exactly the same.)

“It must be a very small lemon,” Valentina said.

Juliana laughed, and then looked both ways. When she saw no one was there, she bent down quickly and kissed her belly.

“Juls! They’re going to find out. Enough.”

Being caught kissing her stomach at Guille's house just the day they were going to tell him that she was pregnant, was definitely playing with fire. They couldn’t ruin the surprise.

“ I love you so much. You and the baby.”

Juliana held her face in her hands, her fingers tangled in her hair.

“You get more and more beautiful each day.”

She swore her knees went weak. Juliana stood in front of her had all the security and confidence that the 18-year-old girl she met on a park bench had been missing. Juliana knew how to use her words now, and always used them to disarm her.

“God, I love you so much," she said, and took a step forward to join their lips.  
  
Juliana meted against her immediately, and after a moment opened her lips, and she felt her tongue looking for hers. Valentina heard her moan softly when she finally deepened the kiss.

Her cell phone began to vibrate in her pocket, breaking their little moment.

She separated from Juls and took it out. She had a message from Guille—which was ridiculous, because her brother was right outside.

"What's up?" Juls asked, her hands stroking her waist.

“Guille texted me that he wanted to tell me something later, alone.”

“What?”

“I don’t know. It sounds serious.”

“It’s probably nothing," Juliana told her.

Valentina shrugged, and focused again on the current situation.

“We have to go out again now, and be good guests, but...” she entwined her fingers with Juliana's. “Tonight?”

Juliana looked her in the eye. Hers were dark with desire. Valentina felt the same need. The last few days I had been too tired to make love, and they needed it.

“Yeah?” Juliana asked.

Valentina nodded.

Suddenly, they saw a blur run at full speed towards the backyard.

“Leonora! Wait for us!”

*

She could feel the tension in the environment, as Guille and Renata looked expectantly at Juliana.

Juls smiled at her, and said it.

“You’re going to be aunt and uncle again,”

Guille jumped.

“Juliana...” He pointed to her stomach, looking at us. “You’re...”

Juliana shook her head no, from side to side, slowly.

Valentina saw how the understanding landed in her brother's eyes, and how bright they were when he turned to look at her. A huge smile invaded his face.

“Valentina! You’re pregnant?!”

She nodded.

“Hermanita!”

And then she was flying, circling in her brother's arms as if she was 10 years old again, as if the world was simple, and at that moment it was.

*

Valentina left Renata and Juliana making popcorn with Leo in the kitchen, and went to look for her brother. She had forgotten his text message, but seen it again when she checked her phone earlier.

She walked into the closet underneath the stairs.

“Guille...?”

“Here. I found it.”

He stood up, holding a projector in his hands that he had used at his wedding. Guille had promised Leonora that they could watch the 3 Frozen movies in the backyard, projected on the wall like a movie theater. Valentina already knew that her girl was going to fall sleep at the beginning of the first one. She had been running all day, and hadn't wanted to take a post-dinner nap. She was going to drop like a stone, and Juliana and her would be able to have their alone time.

“I'm going to install it,” Guille said.

“Wait a minute. What did you want to tell me?”

“Huh?”

“Your text message.”

Guille snorted.

“Nothing, nonsense.”

“Guille.”

“Okay," he said in the same tone. “What happened is that...I forgot.”

She laughed. He looked as lost as when Silvina chased them all over the house, because the tutors had arrived and they had to do homework.

"Dumbass," I said.

Her brother just looked at me, with a feeling in his eyes that she couldn't identify.

“Another baby...” he said, melancholic. “If mom and dad could see you.”

Valentina smiled through the sadness. One of the things that would always hurt is that her parents would never meet her children.

"Did you tell Eva yet?" Guille asked.

“No, not yet. Next time I visit I’ll tell him. I actually haven’t told her that we’re moving to New York yet either.”

“And how’s that going?” Guille asked.

(And they kept talking about the move, and she didn't suspect anything.)

*

At first, she thought it was gas.

The feeling wasn’t similar to anything she’d felt before, and those first moments, she didn't know it was the baby. But then she realized it. It was almost funny. She was 5 months pregnant, and Juliana and her hoped every day to feel the baby kicking, but that first kick flew past her. She called Juliana, who was working, and heard her wife cry over the phone.  
  
Juls wasn't easy to tears, and she was so moved that Leonora asked her why she was sad.

Then she told her daughter that she was crying because she was happy, and Leo looked at her like she was crazy.

After talking to Juls, she called Guille. Renata answered her.

“Hello gorgeous, how are you? How’s my niece?”

“Leo is misbehaving as usual.”

“Mommy!”

She tickled her, laughing.

“How is the little frog?" Renata asked, using the nickname Juliana had invented recently.

“He’s perfect. Is Guille there?”

“He’s...he’s in the bathroom. You sound weird, Val. Did something happen?”

“No. Nothing bad. I felt the baby kick for the first time, Renata.”

“Oh, congratulations!”

She heard something drop on the background of the call.

"I'm going to tell Guille to call you as soon as he comes out, okay?" Renata offered.

“Okay,” Valentina replied, but the call had already closed.

Guille called her on Skype later that day. Juliana was preparing dinner, Leonora on her hip, watching her mother stir the spaghetti sauce that she was craving.

She retired to the bedroom, leaving her girls in the kitchen. 

“You're good?” she asked Guille. “You sound weird.” It was the first thing I said. It could be her cell phone screen, but he looked...gray.

“I'm a little sick, actually.?

“You okay?”

Guille shrugged.

“Not really. I must have eaten something weird, because I have a diarrhea that-“

“Ugh, okay. I get it. Órale.”

Guille laughed.

“Reni says you felt the baby kick.”

"Yes," she nodded, even if he couldn’t see her, and told her how he felt. She noticed it more and more, how she needed to see her brother almost every day. When she’d lived in Mexico, she saw him at work, and if not, he could visit her at any time. This was difficult. But it wouldn't be forever.

She sighed.

"I wish I was there," she told Guille.

“You're coming to stay a season here, right?”

“Yes, as soon as the ranita is born. Juliana is going to take maternity leave and you'll have me back there, screwing with your patience. But we’ll see if we can visit you sooner.”

“I can’t wait.”

*

‘Sooner’ turned out to be a month later, when Juliana had a long weekend of work, and they decided it was worth flying to Mexico even if they they were only staying for 3 days.

Guille picked them up at the airport, and Valetina remembered how funny his reaction had been when he saw her. When they moved away, she was 4 months pregnant, and didn't look any different. But now, finishing her second trimester, she had an honest-to-God pregnant belly.

Guille’s eyes almost popped out.

“You’re fat.”

She was paralyzed.

“Excuse me?”

Guille seemed to notice what he’d said, and shook his head. He ran to hug her then, the reacted that she had expected in the first place.

“You're beautiful, hermanita,” he said.

“Right after you called me fat...”

He stepped away from her, and hugged Juliana, who was carrying Leonora.

“The last time your mom had a belly, she was about 6 years old,” he told her daughter. Leonora laughed.

“Well, now I’m 6 months along,” she said, and they walked back to the car.

They were on their way to Guille's house in a short time, back among the colonias that she knew like the palm of her hand, with the elote stands in every corner, and a warmth so typical of Mexico...not even New York City could compare.

And she was so blind, so in love with her life, with her wife, with their daughter and the baby she carried inside, that she wasn't thinking of anything else. She was so absort in her own world that she didn't realize things until much later, when it was already too late. 

Valentina made her way down the stairs, her hand covering the hard part of her belly, where the baby was stretching.

It had stopped feeling weird to feel him like this, but she was still amazed sometimes by the way he felt so solid and real inside of her. It was almost like she was holding him already. She'd been so jealous when Juliana was pregnant, and she could feel the baby kicking while she couldn't. She realized now she was jealous with good reason. It was special. 

Her lower back hurt from the day, but it had been worth it. She and Guille had caught up. Juliana had explained to them everything regarding the company she was building. Being a guest at someone else's brand hadn't been enough, and with the rising popularity Juliana's brand had experienced after New York Fashion Week, she was able to open a branch in Manhattan. The building was small compared to where she'd been before, but it was hers. It was due to open in a few weeks, and she would have a few interns and two other designers right off the bat, not counting her secretary and the assistant Valentina insisted she get so she wouldn't have to worry too much about her own time. Everything had been so fast, but it was going so well. 

Guille knew all about her work at Grupo Carvajal, but it was great to be able to talk to him face to face again. She was organizing their annual fundraising gala like every year, and it was so much better to ask his opinion here than over emails. She was so glad they'd managed to come. 

She entered the kitchen to get a glass of water, and found her brother sitting at the breakfast island.

It reminded her of old nights at their dad's house, when both of then were still keeping who they loved a secret. 

"What are you doing up?" he asked. 

"Can't sleep. I think I ate too much and now there's a party in my belly." She rubbed her stomach with both hands. "He's kicking my liver."

Guille just stared at her.

"What?"

"What?"

"Why are you looking at me that way?"

Guille shook his head. 

"No reason. It's just...you are an incredible mom. That baby is so lucky."

The back of her throat started to prickle, and her eyes burned. She'd been emotional and easy to tears lately, but his words pushed her over the edge faster that usual. This was her big brother, who'd helped her with scrapped knees and covered for her when she snuck out of the house as a teenager. And he looked so proud of her. 

Her tears started to fall, and his eyes got wet as well. She hugged him.

"I'm sensitive from all the hormones," she said, pulling away.

"Well, I have no excuse."

She laughed wetly. Guille put his hand on her shoulder. 

"I love you, Val. Our parents would be so proud of you."

She smiled through her tears, before hugging him again.

"Gracias, hermanito."

*

Valentina settled back against the headboard, still breathless, still throbbing with pain, but with a newborn in her arms. 

Juliana had Leonora sitting on her lap beside her on the bed, while their daughter looked curiously at her little brother. 

"We're gonna have to throw away the carpet," Juliana joked. She smiled, exhausted. 

"Or you can keep it and tell him that stain is where he was born when he's older," the midwife piped in. The gentle middle aged woman was cleaning around the room, and she couldn't help but be amazed at all the bloody towels in her hands. That was her blood. She'd really done this.  
  
She was never, ever doing this again. 

"Val, my mom wants to come in. Should I tell her to wait?"

Valentina shook her head.

"She should meet her grandson, but..." She looked down at her current state of undress. The midwife had laid a blanket over her lap before Leonora came in, but there was a wild difference between her daughter seeing her shirtless, and her mother in law seeing her shirtless.

"I can't move," she told Juliana. Even if she wasn't holding the baby she doubted she could even stand up. The midwife had said she only had a small tear and didn't need any stitches, but it still felt like she'd pushed out razor blades instead of a baby. 

Juls stood up and got a white summer dress from the closet.

"Joanna, can you hold Nicolás for a second?" Juliana asked the midwife.  
  
Juliana helped her get dressed like she was the newborn. She pulled the dress over her head, laid the blanket back over her legs, dried her sweaty face with a towel, and she instantly felt a bit more human.

"Here we go," Joanna said, returning the baby to her arms. It was amazing how easy it was, how natural it felt to hold him. He wasn't even an hour old yet, but she already felt like he'd always been a part of this family. She felt Juliana kiss her forehead. Leonora cuddled up to her side, now that she wasn't so obviously sweaty and gross, Valentina assumed. 

Lupita stood in front of them moments later. 

"Val...Oh my God, can I hold him?" She nodded, and let Lupita take him from her arms. 

"Of course."

"Hi there, I'm your grandmother," she whispered to the baby. She watched with a smile. Juliana wrapped her arms around her more fully, while Leonora crawled around the bed, closer to the scene. She felt Juls gasp behind her, and she pulled away to look at her face.

Juliana was crying.

She squeezed her hand, amazed that she wasn't crying as well. She'd probably used up all her tears during the birth. She noticed Panchito hovering at the door, and she was quick to usher him in. 

"Panchito, get in here," she said. He looked unsure. He glanced at Juliana. He loved her, but he'd never quite taken on a step father role with her. Juls hadn't let him. She didn't have a relationship with her own dad, and it was enough that Panchito made her mom happy. But she still waved him in. 

"Come in, grandpa," Juliana said. 

Panchito cried. And he cried again while holding Nicolas. 

It was moments later, while the new grandparents and Leonora cooed over the new baby, that she turned to Juliana and asked her to get her phone. 

"I need to call Guille."

Juliana nodded. "I'll call him."

She dissapeared into the living room, and returned a few minutes later with her phone, and Guille on a video call. Seeing her brother brought her back to reality a little more, after the nightmarish hours of birth she had just gone through. It made her feel normal. 

"How is Renata's mom?" she asked, hoping the woman was okay. Renata had to stay in Mexico to look after her, and Guille didn't want to leave his wife. Valentina understood. She'd do the same for Juliana. 

"She's...she's better. I'm really sorry about not being able to be there."

She shook her head. 

"I mean, you weren't going to be here, _here_. I don't think either of us would have recovered from you seeing that baby come out." She'd had Juliana and the midwife in the room with her, just like she had wanted it. But it would have been great to have her brother come in after everything was over, like Lupita had done. 

"I agree," Guille said. "There are parts of you that I don't ever want to see," he joked.   
  
She chuckled, and every movement hurt. How was that possible? Guille seemed to notice.  
  
"How do you feel?"

"Like i got hit by a truck. I never want to get pregnant again," I said. "Birth was literally the worst thing I've ever felt."

Juliana squeezed her shoulder before getting up and joining her mom. She could imagine how much she wanted to be holding their baby, so she appreciated her letting her mom take over for a minute and taking care of her. It was one of the reasons she loved her so much. 

"Worse than the time you broke your arm when you were little?" Guille asked. 

"A hundred times worse. But it was worth it. Everything." It had been. And she wasn't in a hurry to do it again, and if she ever planned to, she'd make sure to ask for an epidural like Juliana had, but it had been worth it. The second she felt Nicolas on her chest all the pain went to the back of her head. He was perfect. "Are you ready to meet your nephew?" she asked her brother. 

Guille nodded. 

Juliana was paying attention, and she walked over with Nicolás.

"Nicolás, say hello to Uncle Guille." She pulled the phone away so Juliana could walk in the frame. 

"He has dark eyes like mamá," was the first thing Guille mentioned.  
  
She nodded, smiling.

"And like you, hermanito," she pointed out. Guille smiled. "You won't guess what his full name is." She looked at Juliana. They had decided only a couple days ago. "Nicolás Guillermo."

Guille's eyes widened like plates.

"Val...why not name him after dad?"

"Leonora is named after dad."

"Why not name him after mom then? I'm sure you more than anyone could've gotten a boy name out of Elena."

Valentina shrugged. Maybe they'd have other children who could bear her mother's name. (And on God, Juliana would carry them.) But this had felt right. And Juliana had agreed. 

"Mom isn't here anymore. You are. And you're my big brother." 

She saw Guille's eyes swell up even through the screen.

"Thank you." 

She didn't see how pale he was then. She didn't notice how he seemed lost for a moment when she mentioned Renata's mother, the excuse they had used because he couldn't travel. She didn't realize that Juliana knew what was happening.

She had just given birth and was too distracted to notice all those things. 

*

Juliana was arguing with Leonora, who didn't want to put on her seatbelt.  
  
The plane was about to take off, and the flight attendant had already called them out on it. Twice. She looked on from the other side of the hall, unable to help since she had Nico already latched to her breast, to hopefully keep his ears from popping with the change in altitude. For a 1 month old, he was being a champ. 

Juliana finally got Leo strapped in, and handed her her cellphone to keep her busy.

"We need a jet," she told her wife. Juliana had never liked what she called "unnecessary luxuries," but a jet would have saved them some tantrums from their daughter.

"That's not practical, Val. We don't fly enough to need a private plane."

"Tell that to your daughter"

"Now, she's _my_ daughter only?" Juliana asked, raising an eyebrow.

"You gave birth to her."

"She's identical to you. Just look at her. Guerita. And the way she behaves..."

I gasped. "Excuse me? What exactly, are you calling me?"

"Well, hyperactive, for starters."

I laughed. Our mock little arguments were as far as we let our disagreements get most of the time. 

Nico complained, and I stopped laughing, shooting a look towards Juliana. 

"Control your daughter," I said, pretending to be serious.

"Don't get mad, you'll curdle the milk."

*

It felt a bit like dejavu, as she watched her brother walk towards her in the parking lot of the Aeropuerto Internacional Benito Juarez. Except now, she was not "fat" as he had delicately put it a few months ago, but rather had the baby that had been in her belly in her arms. 

"Nico, this is your Tío Guille," she whispered in the baby's ear, and then placed him in Guille's arms. 

She looked back at Juliana, who was holding a sleeping Leonora on her hip with one arm, while with the other she filmed the scene with her cellphone.

She was so thankful for that video after everything that happened. 

*

Guille had a playpen set up in one of the guest rooms in his house, and Juliana and her put the children to bed as soon as they arrived. They were exhausted from the trip. Even Leonora was okay with taking a nap in the middle of the day, proof that the flight to Mexico had taken a toll on everyone.

Their daughter wasn't used to the heat anymore, and after running around, she had tired herself out, and dropped like a stone after lunch.

While the kids slept in the bedroom, they spent the afternoon with Guille and Renata. Her brother had made Shirley Temples for the occasion, since she couldn't drink alcohol. Guille also got the fantastic idea to play Monopoly like old times, and the hours flew by between laughter and screams of "cheater!". Renata tapped out early on, content to just watch, and after 2 hours had passed, Juliana excused herself from the game claiming she needed to check on the baby. 

Guille and Valentina refused to give in, and kept playing until dinner time. She bought Baltic avenue while feeding Nico, and Guille helped Renata set the table in between rolls of dice. It reminded her of old times, of when they were kids and the three of them, Eva, Guille and her, would play for hours with their mom and dad. Then mom passed away. Then dad. Then Eva went to prison, and Guille and her only saw their niece, Eva's daughter, a couple times a year, when Mateo and his mom came back to the city. Elena Luna Carvajal barely knew them.

Guille and her, they were all that was left of the Carvajals.

Dinner that night, is the last happy memory Valentina has of them. 

*

Juliana took Nico after he was done eating, to burp him and change his diaper. 

Leonora was laying in the bed, already in her pajamas, entertained with a coloring book Renata had gifted her with. Everything was peaceful. She could hear the sounds of the night outside, the crickets and bugs and the odd cry of a stray cat, that she just couldn't hear in New York City, with all of the cars.

Guille knocked on the door, and peeked through. 

"Hey Val, can I talk to you?"

"Sure. What's up?"

He nudged his head, signaling outside the door, and she stood up. 

Valentina frowned. Guille seldom looked so serious. She looked back at Juliana, but her wife was swaying the baby, turned towards the wall.

She followed her brother. And that was the start of a nightmare she still couldn't wake up from. 

"I have to tell you something," he said. Her stomach dropped. Something heavy and dark took up residence in the pit of her stomach, and she instantly wanted to tell him to shut up. She didn't want to hear it, whatever it was. 

But he said it.

"Val, I'm sick."

"Okay," she said, ignoring his tone. "Do you have a cold or...all you have to do is wash your hands before holding the baby, it's okay."

She shook her head, playing dumb on purpose. Forcing him to say it, because she didn't want it to be real. His tone left no doubt that it was something serious, and his eyes terrified her. It felt as though he was about to say goodbye.

"No, no hermanita. It's not a cold," he said, his voice rough. "Do you...do you remember when mom got diagnosed?"

"No. Guille, no."

"Yes, I-"

"No! Mom...when we found out it was too late, but you're going to get better. You'll get better, you'll see-"

"I won't," his tone was final. Like this was a conversation he'd practiced for a very long time. "They gave me a year, Val."

It felt like a physical blow to her chest. It was hard to breathe, and she hadn't recovered when he delivered another. 

"And it's almost over."

"What?"

She stumbled to the nearest couch, and sat down. Guille sat down beside her. 

"I had...really bad headaches. I thought it was all the stress from work. With Eva in prison, and with Jhonny and Lucía gone, basically the entire company depended on Mateo and me. And then he moved to Oaxaca with Elena and I had so much to do...I hired more people, you know that. I stopped working so much. But the headaches weren't going away. I thought it was migraines. But the doctor decided to do more tests, and he mentioned the history of cancer in the family. Did you know that our grandfather, mom's dad, died of liver cancer?"

Valentina shook her head, lost. She heard his words, but they didn't feel real. 

"He died before I was born," she said. 

"Yes, and I don't remember meeting him," Guille told her. "They did all these tests and...they found a tumor in my brain. It couldn't be operated."

She turned towards him, the fog lifting.

"How do you know? Did you look for a second opinion-"

"And a third, and a fourth. A doctor in the States was willing to try to operate, but there was a high chance that I'd die on the operating table, and it wouldn't guarantee that the tumor wouldn't return. And even if I survived, I may not have been able to speak again, I could lose my sight. I can't imagine living like that, Val."

"But you would be alive!"

"But what life could I have? Living like a vegetable? If I couldn't eat by myself, or walk, or see my wife or you, or my niece and nephew again. And this was one doctor, out of a dozen. We talked to everybody. We went to England after the States. We saw someone in Spain. Just as money couldn't save mom, it couldn't save me."

Valentina shook her head. 

"But that one doctor..."

"I thought about it a lot, Val. And I preferred to have one last good year. And it has been an incredible year."

"That's why you traveled so much with Reni."

"We saw what we had left to see in the world. We rode elephants in Thailand. We saw the Northern Lights in the arctic. We decided not to have a baby, because it wouldn't be fair to him."

She thought back to Guille's sudden bout of travels months ago, before she ever got pregnant. He and Renata had upped and left, and she'd taken over some of Guille's responsibilities in the company. He'd said it was good practice, for when she decided to step up and become CFO. Juliana had gotten her offer in New York shortly after and they decided to move. And then she got pregnant with Nico. And now...

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked him, her voice shaking.

"I was going to do it. But later. I needed to be with my wife first. We needed to process it." He squeezed her hand, and Valentina realized she didn't even know when he started holding it. "Then you told us you were moving. And a few weeks later that you were pregnant. I didn't want to ruin it."

"Guille..."

"You were moving to another country with your wife and daughter, you were pregnant for the first time. You were so happy. I didn't want to ruin that. I didn't want you to live your whole pregnancy worried about your sick brother when you had to be enjoying it with your family. I didn't want to affect the baby.You had to be with your daughter, with your wife. Happy. Calm."

"That's why you couldn't come when Nico was born," she whispered, realizing little things from over the past few months. When they'd visited the last time, how tired he was from running around with Leonora. How pale he looked in their videocalls. 

"It was no longer safe for me to travel by plane."

She didn't know what it was about those words that finally got to her, that broke the flimsy dam that had been keeping her feelings barely contained inside. The tears started falling from her eyes, and then they wouldn't stop. She grabbed his arms, clawed at them, her brain barely comprehending how her brother could be sitting next to her, seemingly healthy, and in a few months or less he would be gone. 

"Tell me it's a lie," she begged. "Tell me it's some shitty joke, Guille, I'm serious. Please. I won't get mad." He remained impassible, though she could see in his eyes the pain this was causing him. "I'm begging you. We've lost so much. Mom and dad are gone, Lucía was killed, and Eva is in prison. I can't lose you too. _Please_."

"I'm sorry," was all he said. "I'm so sorry." Over and over. 

And Valentina just cried.  
  
  


She could've spent an hour there with him, or ten. Time ceased to have meaning. Little by little, she had become painfully aware that just like with mom, she couldn't take any hugs for granted, any conversations, any moments. Because each one could be their last. 

Valentina hadn't understood it at as a little girl but later, she'd seen the last pieces of her mom everywhere. The last meal they ate together, the last movie they saw. The last photo she took of her, that had once hung on her childhood bedroom wall and now was on the wall back home, next to a picture of Juliana graduating from elementary school. 

She still could hardly believe that soon, all those pieces would be what was left of her brother. All those last times. 

Guille guided her to the guest bedroom she was sharing with Juliana and the kids. 

"We'll talk more tomorrow," he promised, before enveloping her in a hug. Then, he pulled away, and putting his hands on her shoulders said something she had not even thought about. 

"Don't be so hard on Juliana," Guille whispered before leaving her at the door of the guest room.

She knew.

Juliana knew, and she'd kept her in the dark. 


	5. a grotesque animal, part 2

"And did Juliana know?"

Alba's voice returns Valentina to the present, to the reality that she is sitting on the couch of a psychologist’s office, reliving the worst moment of her life so far.

"Yes," she says.

“For how long?” Alba asks, pushing her, or so it feels like. She hasn’t told her yet that their time has run out, even when her throat feels parched, as though she’s been talking for hours. Alba just listens.

"Longer that she should have," she tells her. "It was my brother's life. A minute would have been too long."

Alba nods.

"Do you think you can finish this story, Valentina?" she asks softly.

Valentina doesn't know, truth be told. She doesn’t know if she’s strong enough to finish it without craving a drink more than she craves her next breath afterward.

But she’s here, and there’s no going back.

So imagining her children at home, waiting for her, she keeps talking.

She stood outside of the guest bedroom, numb.

She opened the door, and saw Juliana put Nicolás in the play pen, his makeshift crib for the next few days. The baby was sound asleep. She walked in.

"Mommy! Mommy, do you have a booboo?" Leonora asked.

Juliana made her way towards her, and the next second her arms surrounded her.

“Val," she said, hugging her. Valentina pushed her away.

Juliana tried to hug her again and Valentina didn’t let her.

"Did you know?"

She was just looking for confirmation of what she was already sure of. Juliana hadn’t asked her what had happened to put her in the state she was in. As soon as she’d entered the room, she’d already known.

“Valentina..."

"Did you know?"

Juliana looked at her.

"Not in front of the children," she pleaded. Valentina looked toward the bed, noticing and noticed that Leonora was looking at staring at them both, more awake than before.  
  
She nodded, letting Juliana lead her out of the room.

"How long?" she asked, as soon as they were outside and away from their daughter’s ear.

Juliana bit her thumbnail, one of her nervous habits since she Valentina had known her, which had been almost half of her life now.

"From the beginning?” she insisted, trying to pinpoint when the betrayal had started. “Since the last time we saw him in person? How long?"

“When they visited him in Mexico...he seemed off. I asked him. He said he’d been really sick and he was just starting to feel better, and that he didn't want to worry you, and I didn't think anything of it.” Juliana looked at her. "He told me when he couldn't fly in for Nico's birth."

They had been making plans for the birth since the second trimester, but they actually told their families that she was going to have a home birth about a month before Nico was born. They asked Lupita and Panchito to fly in. They asked Guille too. He had said that Renata's mother was sick and he needed to be there for her.

"You've known for two months...and you didn't tell me?"

Juliana bit her lip. Her brow was furrowed.

"It wasn't my secret to tell," she said softly.

"He is my brother!"

"You were 8 months pregnant, Val!" Juliana exclaimed. "Imagine feeling what you feel now back then. What if you’d gone into labor? What if something had happened to the baby?"

"You shouldn't have made that choice for me! _He is my brother,_" she repeated.

"He asked me not to say anything," Juliana told her. "He asked me not to tell you, because he didn't want to affect you or the baby, and I agreed. It was his health. It was his choice."

"You’ve known that…my brother is going to die...for two months."

It was nothing more than a whisper. The last exhausted pain-filled whisper her body could muster. Her legs felt weak. Her heart was broken. Tears kept falling from her eyes and Valentina didn't realize when she had started crying again, or if she had ever stopped.

"Forgive me," Juliana pleaded, slowly approaching her until she was wrapped in her arms again.

This time, she didn't fight her. She couldn't. She needed her. She felt Juls kiss her forehead as she collapsed against her, the weight of everything she’d had learned pulling her under.

She was going to lose her brother and her wife had known and hid it for months. She felt so, so incredibly lost.

She made the decision that night.  
  
She didn't sleep a wink, after they explained to Leonora that Mommy had had a booboo, but that she felt better already and nothing was happening. Their daughter slept on Juliana's left side instead of between them, because she needed Juliana’s arms around her. She need her wife to hold her. Even while she slept, it kept her calm.  
  
And when the morning came, she knew what she had to do.  
  
"I'll stay here with you," Valentina told Guille the next morning.  
  
And it was a statement of how bad it was, that he didn't fight her on it. He just hugged her and thanked her, and she could feel in that single embrace how terrified he really was. He needed her. He needed his sister, and she needed to be with him in this last part.  
  
She talked to Juliana as soon as she woke up.  
  
"Take Leonora," she told her, after explaining that she needed to be with Guille. "Go back to New York. She can't miss class, and-"  
  
"They’e early education classes, of course she can miss them. Isabela is my eyes and ears at the company, everything will be fine. Michael will supervise everything." She held Valentina’s hands firmly in her left hand, and her right hand held her chin.

"Our family stays together, Val."

And that was what they did.

The days went by.

Their quick getaway to Mexico became an extended winter vacation, or so Juliana told everyone at the branch of her brand in New York. It was easier for Valentina. Grupo Carvajal was there, in Mexico. No one blinked when she went back to work in the building, although she only worked half days, a few days a week. She did what she could to make things easier on Guille. He had everything ready for Mateo to assume the position of CEO completely, and 2 weeks after they arrived, he did exactly that.

Mateo visited them at Guille’s house and brought their niece with him. Elena looked a little more like Eva every day, and although none of them could find a resemblance to Mateo in her, there was no doubt that she was his daughter, regardless of the blood that probably ran through her veins.

Eva's daughter was 12 years old and old enough to be told what was happening. And although none of them was as close as they wished they had been, the girl was a sea of tears after learning the news.

When Elena and Mateo left 2 days later, it felt like a goodbye.

Valentina and Juliana lived their lives between the walls of Guille's house.

Juliana worked from home and took care of the children most of the time so that she could focus on her brother. Juliana visited the company she had in the city more frequently, and everyone was glad to see her back after so much time in New York.

They took Nico to jail, to meet Eva. Her sister cried when she saw her nephew. She already knew about Guille, and Valentina tried not to feel hurt that she was the last to know.

They spent time together. They made an effort to go to dinner together, alone, to take strolls through the park. She could see Juliana strive to make their time in Mexico beautiful, a relocation of their life in New York rather than an unexpected and discordant limbo. They bought a toddler bed for Leonora, and Renata had the maid arrange another guest room for Leonora and the baby. They found a routine, all three of them. They hired someone to cook, and another maid to keep the house clean with a child now running around. Silvina visited Guille every few days and brought him stews that he swore made him feel better.

They spent Nico's first Christmas at Guille's house. There was no tree, and only a few gifts, but it was perfect. Leonora was spoiled rotten by all of them, and among all the sadness that lived in Valentina those days, seeing her daughter smile made everything lighter for one night.

She and Juliana had their own room, and on those nights where the overwhelming weight of what was going to happen threatened to drown her, their bedroom became a sanctuary. Juliana hugged her and promised her that they would overcome this. She would make love to her and tell her that their family was fine, that they weren’t hurting Leonora by removing her from her routine, that Valentina was not damaging her brand by having her in Mexico.

And she spent time with Guille, as much as she could without overwhelming him or getting in the middle of his marriage.

She hated to notice it, but Guille was getting worse.

There were only so many hours in a day that they could spend together, talking like in the old days, before he needed to go lay down. He divided his time between Renata, the children and her. He even went to lunch with Juliana sometimes, and God only knew what they talked about.

It was easy to have hope.

Even easier to thing that the doctors had made a mistake, and the year they gave him was really two, or three or more.

He looked good. Pale, maybe, and tired, but he looked fine.

And then, like clockwork, a month after they decided to stay with him in Mexico, he collapsed.

Renata and Valentina took him quickly to the hospital, while Juliana stayed at the house with the kids. The doctors only confirmed what they already knew.

"This is the bad part," Guille told her, while connected to so many different machines. "I won’t blame you if you go home. I won’t hold it against you."

Valentina shook her head while holding his hand. She had made a promise to him and to herself. She was staying with him. She wasn’t leaving her brother.

The doctors gave him pain medication, drugs for the dizziness. They kept him comfortable. And after four days at the hospital, they discharged him, knowing that he would not return.

He had been given a year, 12 months, and as they started their second month in Mexico, and the thirteenth month since his diagnosis, they all knew they were living on borrowed time.

Guille had a single petition when they returned home.

"I want to say goodbye to my niece."

Juliana had that conversation with Leonora, while Valentina sat next to her and tried not to fall apart. Explaining to her 3-year-old daughter what death was was something she never imagined doing, and she was never more grateful to Juliana than she was in that moment, for carrying them all through that.

Leonora sat on Guille's bed, placing stickers on his arms.

"You know, if I had had a daughter, I would have wanted her to be like you," he said.

Leonora smiled and placed a sticker right in the middle of his nose. Guille chuckled with effort.

"I want you to behave with your moms, okay? And take care of your little brother. Like I always tried to take care of your mom."

Leonora stared at him.

"Is it true that you’re going to heaven?" She asked, with an honestly that only a child could have.

"Yes," Guille told her.

"Like my grandparents?"

"Yes. Like my mom and dad."

"And when will I see you again?"

A sob escaped from Valentina’s throat, and Juliana hugged her from behind, holding her together. She couldn't fall apart in front of their daughter.

"I'm sorry," Guille told Leonora. "You won't see me again."

Leonora's lower lip began to tremble, and Valentina wasn't sure if she finally understood what was happening, or she was just picking up on how destroyed everyone in the room was.

"Couls you give me a hug?" Guille asked Leonora, and she did.

After that day, Juliana took Leonora to the Carvajal mansion.

Guille was getting worse, and he had asked them not to let Leonora see him in that state. So Juliana took their daughter back to Valentina’s first home. No one lived there anymore, apart from Chivis, who well into her 70s still took care of the house that had seen her grow up. She welcomed her daughter with open arms.

"Silvina will take care of her," Juliana promised when she returned. She knew that, and she was incredibly grateful to the woman who had helped raise her.

Juliana and her jumped between the mansion and Guille's house. They stopped being able to sleep together, and most nights found Juliana at the mansion with Leonora, and Valentina at Guille's with Nicolás.

Their newborn became a baby before their very eyes, and sometimes Valentina struggled between enjoying her son and feeling the sadness that permeated every corner of her life.

Guille told her she was being stupid.

He began to be impertinent about it, and told her that he was going to die anyway, and if she didn’t enjoy the first months of her son's life, he would come back to haunt her.

They started doing _tummy time_ in his bed.

She and Juliana managed to take the children to the park at least once a week, and those two hours they spent together, hugging Nico and watching Leonora run with other children, kept her sane.

Guille got worse. Renata hired two nurses to live in the house and take care of him day and night. He needed help to eat, soon enough. Valentina realized that he was ashamed of it.

She had told him then that he had fed her when she was as a baby, and that she had the photos to prove it. This was retribution. Guille laughed before coughing.

Renata was a rock. She didn't let Guille see her cry, and she helped Valentina a lot with Nicolas so she could spend time with her brother. Valentina saw the way he looked at her baby, and it broke her. If something happened to her, Juliana would have their children. If something, God forbid, happened to Juliana, she would have their babies.

But soon Renata would be left with nothing.

Valentina walked from one corner of Guille's room to the other, humming a tune, trying to get him to sleep. She didn't notice when Guille woke up, but she heard his voice.

"Val ... Val?"

She rushed to his side, but he looked okay.

"Yes, Guille?"

"Give me Leonora. I want...I want to hold her." He pointed to Nicolás.

"This is Nico, Guille," Valentina told him softly.

"Nico..."

She saw the lack or recognition in his eyes. But unlike before, now there was no fear. He no longer realized the mistakes he was making, the holes in his memory.

"Nicolas," she repeated. "Leonora's little brother. Leonora is..." A tear fell from her eye, unbidden. "Leonora is almost 4 years old."

"Right. Of course."

"Do you want to hold him?" she asked, and put the baby in his arms.

She held up Guille's arms the entire time, her hands under his.

"The nurses say he has...days. Maybe less." Valentina sat in front of Juliana, on the sofa of the Carvajal mansion.

They had kissed here, one of those first times. She couldn't remember if it was before or after they had kissed in the back of Alirio's car, but it was definitely after the pool. They had kissed so many times in the last 12 years together that she had stopped remember the little details of those first few months.

Their children played on a quilt on the floor. Nico was starting to try to lift his head, and Leo knew she had to be very, very gentle with him. They were spending too much time apart, with everything that was happening, and seeing them together was like a balm.

"Just days, Juliana," she repeated, the sound of it making her chest ache. Juls kissed her hand. Her fingers entwined with hers.

"What do you need?" Juliana asked simply. She was her rock.

Valentina swallowed.

"Go back to New York with Leonora."

Juliana shook her head, but she immediately touched her cheek, begging her to listen.

"It's time. It's only a few days. A week at the most. The doctor told us." Every part of her knew this was almost over. "Eva is coming," she told Juliana. "They allowed her a visit." Juliana rubbed her knee. It gave her the strength to keep going. "It's not good for Leo to live like this. I don't want her to see me...what I will be when this is over. Go home. Nico and I will catch up with you."

"Are you going to be able to take care of Nico by yourself?"

She nodded. She'd been mostly doing that while she was here, but Juliana still brought her anything she might need, and took over for a few hours each day. She'd bee truly by herself now.

"Yes. Renata will help me. I'll be fine."

They were between a rock and a hard place. She would have to split up from their daughter and Juliana from their, for a time, something that neither of them had done since they they were born. She and Juliana would be apart, which they hadn't been in years, since before the children were born and business trips took them away from each other for days at a time. She could see the reticence on Juliana's face, but she needed this. She couldn't leave the house anymore, couldn't leave Guille more than a few minutes at a tiher. There was no point in Leonora continuing to live like this for another minute, when she wouldn't even be getting to see her.

And Valentina wouldn't be selfish enough to keep her daughter and wife here to comfort her.

"I want to be here with you," Juliana said, finally, and she cried. Because she had been worried about the children, and Juliana had been as well...but her wife was also worried about her. "Val, _mi amor_."

She wanted Juliana there. She wanted her to hold her together with her mere presence like she had done since they first met. She had been reeling from the death of her father, and Juliana's patience and gentle love had turned her away from the darkness and the oblivion alcohol promised. 

She wanted that, but now they had greater responsibilities.

"I want you with me," she told Juliana, before pressing her lips to hers. "But I _need_ you with our daughter."

Juliana nodded. She understood.

Juliana said goodbye to Guille that night, in one of the rare hours that he was still very lucid.

Valentina didn't mean to listen in. She had just left Nico asleep in his temporary room, and was looking for Renata, to let her know of their plans, that Juliana would return home to New York. But she saw Guille and Juliana talking through the half-open door, and she couldn't help listening.

"I'm sorry if I caused problems between you two," her brother told Juliana. "I shouldn't have asked you to keep a secret from her."

"Don't worry about it. You didn't cause anything."

"You know...the moment Valentina told me she was in love with a girl, I asked if it was you. You should have seen her face." Guille coughed. "Actually, you do see her face. Every day. That face, I mean...She has never stopped making that face. So happy. Thank you." Juliana nodded. "And Juliana? Take care of her."

She hugged him and kissed his cheek.

"I think I never told you, but thank you for being on our side from the beginning."

Guille nodded and shrugged. "You are my sister's happiness."

His voice took on that airy quality it did lately, when he was hallucinating, or beginning to say things that made no sense. But he was right, and she was grateful to have the brother she had. Juliana turned to leave and met her eyes through the crack of the door.

Juliana hugged her as soon as she walked out.

"I'll bring Leonora first thing tomorrow so you can say goodbye," she told her.

Odlly enough, Leonora was okay with going back home without her. 

She was so far removed from the heavy, dark atmosphere of the house, that when they told her it was time to go back home, her only questions were regarding the snow, and when she could go to the park to play in it again. Valentina genuinely hopped there was still snow in Manhattan. 

Leonora said goodbye to her brother, gently hugging the baby and kissing his little forehead, and then told her to simply hurry up so they could open the rest of the Christmas presents they had back home. Juliana said goodbye to Nicolás, and though in the grand scheme of things a few days apart wouldn't mean anything when they all had a life ahead together, Juliana's wet eyes still hurt her. 

Before they got into the taxi, Leonora asked her a question that made her think her daughter understood far more than she thought.

"Did my uncle go to heaven?" she asked.

"Not yet," she answered her, as honestly as she could. She and Juliana had agreed honesty was the best policy. "But I have to stay with him until he goes."

"Okay. So I'll see you the day after tomorrow mommy?"

"I don't know, mi cielo." 

But indeed, Guille passed away 2 days later.

The first night without Juliana was hard.

Nicolás was such an easy baby that it was rare he was fussy at night, but that night he wouldn't stay asleep, almost as if he sensed his other mom was miles and miles away.

Even if they hadn't been able to sleep in the same bed for weeks now, it was hard knowing that she wasn't a car ride away, but a plane ride away. It felt lonely, but she knew it was necessary.

She found Renata in the kitchen later that night, nearing 12. She'd received a text from Juliana letting her know they were home, and Leonora was asleep back in her own bed.

That gave her some peace of mind. But Guille was upstairs, having issues with going to the bathroom, and he'd yelled at them to leave the nurses help him. Renata and Valentina let him have his dignity, and left.

When she found Renata, her sister in law was drinking a glass of wine. 

It surprised her, how upon smelling the heady red wine her mouth watered. She immediately needed a drink, in a way she hadn't in ages. She hadn't had a drink in over year or so. Since the moment they started trying to get pregnant, she cut herself off completely. 

She'd never need a drink more than now. 

"Do you want a glass—sorry," Renata was quick to correct herself. "You're breastfeeding. I forgot." Renata shrugged. "Although I remember my mom saying she put rum on my gums as a baby to help with teething."

They chuckled.

"It's a wonder we all made it," Valentina told her. And then she pulled out her cellphone, and googled. 

The answers to her questions were immediate. 

'Generally, moderate alcohol consumption by a breastfeeding mother (up to 1 standard drink per day) is not known to be harmful to the infant, especially if the mother waits at least 2 hours after a single drink before nursing.'

'A beer or a glass of wine once or twice a week is a tolerable amount, with no effect on the baby.' 

All the websites said the same. After reading from the National Health Ministry website, and hearing Guille's pain-filled whine from the second floor, she was convinced. 

Nico was what she loved most in the world, along with Juliana and Leonora. Valentina wouldn't forgive herself if she did something that could harm him. But apparently it wouldn't. And her chest hurt so much that she could barely breathe.

She went back upstairs, and dug through her bag for the manual breast pump they'd brought from Mexico. She used it, in case Nico woke in the middle of the night. She put the milk in the fridge.

And asked Renata to pour her a glass of wine.

She went to see Guille before going to sleep.

She entered his room and fixed his pillows. She didn't expect him to wake up. His sleep was increasingly heavy, and he no longer got out of bed, even when he was awake. But his dark eyes opened and looked at her.

"Mom?" He asked, freezing her blood.

"No," she said. "No, it's me, hermanito."

"Oh, okay Vale," he grabbed her hand limply. "How are you doing in school?"

"Good," she replied. They had already stopped correcting him. They felt it confused him even more. He recognized them, and that was enough.

"Dad gets on your case because he loves you, you know?" "He told her, and Valentina nodded. She didn't know where his mind was. Their mom had died when she was in the second grade. Their dad had been dead for over a decade. Guille's next words answered her unspoken question. "I'll miss you when you go to Canada."

She was sent to study high school in Canada just before she turned 15. Guille was 20 years in the past.

"Me too," she said, feeling her throat burn with tears. "I will miss you so much."

Two tears fell down her cheeks, and he tried to wipe them for her, but he lacked the strength to lift his arm.

"Don't cry. I'll see you soon,” he told her. "For winter break. I'll take you skiing. Only the two of us, vale? Plan de hermanos."

Valentina nodded.

She remembered those vacations. Guille had taken her with his friends to Colorado, and she'd never felt out of place. She was a 14-year-old girl among a university group, and Guille didn't care. They had dinner together when his friends went clubbing, because she was too young to get in the club. And he never made her feel like a hindrance, or buzzkill, although she's sure his friends told him so.

He had been the best brother in the world, all her life.

"Plan de hermanos," she repeated, and held his hand until he went back to sleep.

Eva arrived at the house the next day, escorted by 2 guards and dressed in jeans and a T-shirt.

It would have seemed less strange if she had been wearing an orange jumpsuit. The clothes were obviously second hand and borrowed, not to mention not Eva's style at all, and oddly enough that hurt, because she knew how special Eva was with her things.

Her sister looked older. Valentina knew that logically more than a decade in prison would do that to anyone, but she didn't expect it. She'd see her through the glass at the visiting room of the jail, but now, face to face, it was more obvious than ever. She wished she had visited more than once or twice a month while still living in Mexico. For a moment, she felt like she had forgotten her.

Mercifully, the guards waited outside Guille's room.

His eyes lit up when he saw Eva.

"I'm sorry," were her first words. "I'm sorry for everything I put the both of you through."

Guille held her hand, and shook his head.  
  
Valentina answered for him.

"It doesn't matter anymore."

And it didn't.

Because this was the end of the road, and hours or days from now Eva would be back in prison, to finish out the last 3 years of her sentence, and then try to rebuild a life with a daughter that barely knew her when she got out. Hours or days from now Valentina would be back home in New York, holding her wife and children. Hours or days from now Guille would no longer be here. 

What did it matter what had happened before? Their parents were still dead. The empire they had built for their children was no longer truly theirs. And their family was in pieces. 

Somehow in 30 years the Carvajal family wen't from the most famous and envied family in Mexico to a trio of orphans crowded around a deathbed, each battling their own demons.

"I love you," Eva said. "I love you both, so much."

They held hands, and Guille held their hands over his chest. And they stayed like that for a while.

Everything happened quickly after that.

It was almost as if Guille had been waiting to see Eva, to have their family together one last time.

She left him with Renata while she went to check on Nico, after Eva left. She had managed to convince the guards to let Eva see the baby before they took her back to the prison. She held him for the first time, and cried. And only then did Valentina realize how strange their life had ended up, how different it was from what it was supposed to be.

She promised herself that when Eva got out, they would be a family again. That her children would know their aunt. She felt guilty that they didn't.

She cried when holding Nico that night, and she cried while feeding him, and she also felt guilty about that. As if her grief could flow into him in the same way she feared alcohol would. She fell assleep with the baby in her arms.

Renata woke her up before the sun came up.

She ran to Guille's room and managed to see him awake. His eyes were open, although she wasn't sure how much he could see. He touched her face and Valentina knew he knew she was there.

There were no big, final words. There were no last words at all. He couldn't talk. His grip on their hands was weak. But the last two months together were the only final words she needed.

He fell asleep shortly after that.

"The nurse doesn't think he'll wake up again,” she told Juliana over the phone. She was crying and needed to hear her voice, needed her to help her through this part.

"I'm here," Juliana said. "Leonora is here. We love you, Val."

"I love you. Please, don't leave me. Don't ever leave me." Her words made no sense, but nothing made sense any more.

"Never," Juliana promised. "Nunca, mi amor._ Nunca._"

The sun rose over Mexico City that morning, as hot and bright as ever.

Guille had trouble breathing and there was nothing they could do. The nurses assured them that he wasn't in any pain. He was as comfortable as possible. Renata and Valentina kept talking in case he could hear them.

And Valentina thought he could.

"I love you, _hermanito_," she said.

"You can rest now, my love," Renata whispered.

And an hour later, Guillermo Carvajal stopped breathing.

Renata burst into tears.

And something broke inside Valentina.


	6. my mouth is a fire escape

_ My mouth is a fire escape. _   
_ The words coming out don't care that they're naked. _   
_ There is something burning in here. _

_ **.** _

_ **.** _

_ **.** _

"And then I flew back to New York with Nico. And 3 days later we all flew back to Mexico for the funeral."

Her throat felt hoarse, but her eyes no longer stung. She'd been trying to contain her tears for so long that she no longer felt the need to cry. She was numb. She was trying to focus on anything other than those days. The oppressive atmosphere of the house. How pale and cold Guille's body got, how his jaw went slack and one of the nurses fixed his head so it wouldn't be so obvious he was dead while the people from the funerary home arrived. 

She barely remembered hugging Renata, and then taking an Uber to the airport. She did remember how calm Nico was during the flight home, though. Like he was helping her. Or as if he knew it was over. Juliana picked them up, and instead of falling apart in her arms, she fell asleep as soon as she was settled in the car. She slept more during the drive to uptown Manhattan than she had slept in the past 2 days. 

"And how was the funeral?" Alba asked.

Valentina looked up at her, realizing that she'd become lost in her own thoughts. 

"Nico was too warm. I bought him a suit, you know? A proper black suit and tie, tiny. There was this horrible heat in Mexico that day. And he was crying. Juliana changed him." 

Juliana had to make her see that he was crying because he was hot, because she'd been on auto pilot. She'd checked his diaper, and tried to feed him, and Juliana had to point out that he was sweaty and pink. Juliana had brought a black cotton onesie, and that was what he wore for the rest of the day. 

"¿And how was it, saying goodbye to your brother?"

She shrugged. She'd done that at his house, when he was still alive. 

"¿How was the service?" Alba asked. 

Valetina bit her lip. 

"I was drunk," she confessed. 

She'd filled a flask with vodka that morning, and Juliana had found her staring at it. She'd told her she needed a drink, crying. She'd covered her hands with her own, and told her she could buy formula for Nico, that a day wouldn't hurt him. That if she really needed a drink, she could have it. She didn't know what Juliana had seen in her eyes that morning, that she'd been so desperate to give her what she wanted. 

"I was drunk," Valentina repeated. "Just like the day of my dad's funeral. I can't remember a single thing the priest said." 

"And did you breastfeed your baby while drunk?"

She recoiled at her question. Even when she'd done things wrong, she'd done things right. She would have never done that. 

"No."

Valentina could tell the blonde woman didn't believe her. 

"I'm not looking for reasons to say you're a bad mother, Valentina. I'm not here to hurt you, you must believe that. But I understand if you don't." 

Valentina looked away. 

"¿What did you do?" the therapist asked.

"I pumped. Juliana took care of the baby all day. And Leonora."

"It sounds like your wife was a great support to you during such a difficult time." 

Valentina didn't say anything.

"You don't believe so," Alba said. It wasn't a question, it was a statement. 

Valentina had thought about it, in the dead of night, deep in the pit of hating herself. 

Maybe Juliana shouldn't have accepted so easily that she needed to drink that day. Maybe she shouldn't have kept the fact that Guille was sick from her in the first, and she would have had two more months to prepare. Maybe it wasn't all her fault.

Deep down she knew it was, and that she was just looking for excuses. But that didn't change the way she felt. 

"Yes. Yes, she was. She took care of everyone." Her chest flared up as she thought about Juliana, the sweet numbness from moments before fading as all her feelings came back tenfold.

"¿What are you feeling, Valentina?"

She just didn't want to keep talking about Juliana.

"I was mad at her," she told Alba. "She knew Guille was sick, and she didn't tell me."

"At you brother's funeral, were you still angry?"

"Yes." She was always angry. At Guille, at Juliana, at God. At herself for feeling so weak and for being angry in the first place. She'd felt so much back then, too much to control it, and that was why she need a drink. To turn down the volume. To be able to think.

"Are you still angry?"

"Yes." She needed a drink. 

"Are you angry only about that, or about other things as well?"

Valentina huffed. The therapist must have been good at her job, because she hit the nail on the head.

She was here because of Juliana. 

"I'm angry because she called fucking CPS on me, for starters. Because she thinks I'm a danger to my own children, or I don't know what bullshit."

"¿Do you think Juliana made the call to Child Protective Services?"

"I don't think—I know. It was her. Even if she swears she wasn't. She was going to take them away without me knowing, so they wouldn't be home when the _fucking social worker_—sorry."

"It's okay. I won't judge you for speaking however you wish. Is there anything else you're angry with Juliana about?"

Once she'd started, she just couldn't stop. It was just too many months of keeping things bottled up with no one to talk to, and now she was being asked, and it just came out like a flood. 

"This whole time she's been stuck to her godamn secretary," she spit out. "Even that day...when the social worker came, Juliana was going to take the kids to her."

"I don't understand," Alba said. "Can you explain?"

"Isabella, is her name. She'd just graduated college and was an intern at Juliana's brand. And Juliana picked her to be her '_personal assistant_'." Valentina huffed. She heard the venom in her own words but she couldn't do anything to stop it. 

"You don't like her," Alba stated.

Valentin bit her lips, trying to refrain from doing something childish like rolling her eyes. Not liking her was an understatement. 

"Juliana is always with her. She shows up at the house out of nowhere, _she eats with us_." The blonde bimbo was always around Juliana when Valentina visited the company, she helped her bring her work home, carried her folders. She'd even called her once to let her know Juliana wanted them to go on a date. 

"Does it bother you that you wife's employees sit at the table with you?"

"What? No. It's not that."

It was just _too much_.

Juliana treated Isabella like she was a friend, not her secretary. Their kids knew her. Leonora had made her a drawing once, when she'd stayed to have dinner with them and help Juliana with a last minute advertisement.

"Valentina...are you jealous?"

She stared back at Alba.

"No."

_"Are you jealous Val?"_

_"¿Qué? No."_

_Juliana gave her a look, and she knew she didn't believe her. She felt her cheeks heat up. _

_"Val, she's my assistant. And I'm sure she has a boyfriend—actually, I don't know. Because we only talk about work."_

_It hadn't seemed like they were only talking about work earlier. She'd just finished feeding Nico, and had walked into the living room only to find them laughing, huddled over Juliana's laptop. _

_Juliana walked over to where she was sitting in front of their vanity. She put her hands on her shoulders, and her thumbs made gentle circles there. _

_"It's thanks to her I can spend more time at home. Don't you remember how I had to stay late almost every day when the branch just opened up?"_

_She remembered it keenly, being 7, 8 months pregnant, and feeling huge and exhausted, and Juliana needing to stay at the office well into the night to get everything up and running. It had been awful. But she didn't feel like she should be grateful to Isabella for changing that. It was her godamn job._

_"¿So now I have to be thankful to that...blonde...bimbo?" she asked, disdain in every word. _

_Juliana chuckled._

_"Like you're not blonde," she said, taking a strand of her hair between her fingers. Valentina huffed. It wasn't even the same thing. She might be blonde by Mexican standards, but Isabella was actually blonde, with hair that looked like spun gold._

_She shook Juliana's hands off her. _

_Juliana sighed._

_"Val, I don't understand why you get like this. _

_Of course she wouldn't understand. Because she was working outside the apartment most days, while she was trapped in here with her own thoughts and her own memories, feeling like a failure for every drink she even thought about, and for every drop that actually passed her lips. _

_"Val," Juliana said, her tone of voice growing more serious. "¿Do you think I'm cheating on your or what?"_

_Juliana searched for her eyes in the mirror, but she wouldn't raise her face. She couldn't look at her. _

_"I don't know."_

_It was like something had taken a hold of her. She just couldn't control the words that left her lips._

_"Valentina." Juliana sounded hurt. She'd done that. And the worst part was, she didn't know how to stop. The anger just kept rising, the frustration kept bubbling up. It was like she was a bomb about to explode and her wife was going to be hit by shrapnel. _

_"You're at the office all day with that girl, and I'm home alone, with our kids. You do realize that?" She_ _ felt alone, so painfully alone, and I just didn't know what to do anymore. _

_Juliana sat by her sideo on the vanity's wooden bench, and she cupped her face in her hands. _

_"Val, you know that I wouldn never....I'd never cheat on you." It was like the word was hard for her to get out. "You know that." _

_Valentina finally met her eyes. Juliana's thumbs kept caressing her cheeks, but she barely felt it. _

_"No, I don't know," she said. Juliana's _ _hands dropped from her face. _

_It was sick, the satisfaction she felt at causing a reaction._

_Juliana stood up, putting distance between them._

_"TI'm going to let you calm down," Juliana said quietly, seemingly in shock._

_"I'm calm. Where are you going?" she asked, wired on the feeling running through her. The anger, the frustration—it finally had an outlet and it made me her feel awake. Alive. "Are you going to call fucking Isabella so she can—"_

_"What are you taking about? Isabella is my assistant!"_

_"Oh, well. That's really convenient that you just have to spend all day with her."_

_"You're acting like a lunatic right now, so I'm gonna go before you say something you'll regret." _ _Her tone of voice was tense, on edge. An exercise in composure—composure that Valentina no longer had. _

_Valentina stood up. _

_"Am I going to regret telling the truth?!" _

_"What truth?!"_

_"That out of the two of us, you are the most likely to—"_

_"What the fuck are you saying?"_

_"That you are the most likely to cheat! _ _Or do you think I forgot, how you went and spread your legs for Sergio?!"_

_The sting in her cheek was the first indicator that it was real, and Juliana had slapped her. She heard the sound of her palm connecting with her cheek, and she felt her head whip to the side, but it wasn't until the pain flared up that she processed it. _

_Juliana's eyes filled with tears. Valentina held her cheek, in shock more because of the action than because of the pain._

_"Val, I'm so sorry—"_

_"Don't touch me."_

"Valentina?" Alba's voice called her back to the present. "Are you jealous of your wife's secretary?"

She nodded. Her bottom lip trembled. She felt like a child. 

She wasn't even jealous about the attention Isabella got from Juliana, because there was none. She treated her like she treated everyone she worked with, with kindness and humility, like she wasn't her boss but just another worker. She was jealous because Isabella was young and seemed happy and she was always so fucking cheerful, while she felt herself sinking into a dark hole that got deeper each day.

Deep down she thought that Juliana would be better off with someone like Isabella. Someone who didn't need to drink behind everyone else's back, who was in control of her own life. 

"And have you talked about that with Juliana?" Alba asked.

"Yes. I mean...we've fought about it. This one time I...I accused her of cheating on me. Or, actually I told her that out of the two of us she'd be the most likely to do that."

"And do you believe that?"

"No. Of course not." She wiped my cheeks. She'd been so stupid. "I called her out on something that I promised myself I would never bring up."

"What?"

"Before...when we'd just gotten together..." It felt wrong, to tell their story to a stranger. Alba seemed to pick up on her reticence. 

"I'm a therapist, Valentina. Whateer you tell me, I can't tell to anyone else. Not even your social worker. You have doctor-patient privilege."

Valentina looked at her. She couldn't help but feel like she was betraying Juls, but she'd never thought about it, had actually gone to great lengths to avoid thinking about it, and she hadn't known until now how much she wanted to talk about it. To say it out loud. 

"Juliana slept with a friend of mine. They got drunk and, I mean, we weren't together." She felt the need to defend her. "We were broken up and...Juliana was 18 when we met, you know? I was...I was her first everything. Her first kiss. Her first time. And we'd fought."

She thought back to that time, how it felt like the world was crashing over them when Lupe found them kissing. She'd been naive to think that was the worst she could feel. 

"Juliana's mom didn't want her to be with me, with a woman. Juls told me later that she was confused. That her mom had told her that she'd never been with a man, that she couldn't be sure she wanted to be with me. I don't know." She shrugged.

"And Juliana slept with your friend," Alba stated. "Did it bother you that it was your friend?"

"No. I don't care about him." She hadn't thought about Sergio in years, and they hadn't spoken in twice as long. "It hurt that she was in love with me and still slept with someone else. But I know how broken up she was about. And she didn't even like it. I mean. It was stupid. She was 18 years old, for God's sake. We've built an entire life together. That was nothing." 

It wasn't. A single drunken fuck while they weren't even strictly together was a speck of dust against their marriage, their children, all the beautiful things they'd built through the years. She'd been insane to throw that in Juliana's face.

"But I yelled about it anyways," she told Alba. "I threw in her face one of the moments she's felt the lowest in her life. And accused her of doing it again with her assistant."

"How did Juliana react?"

"She hit me."

There was silence in the room, and she met Alba's eyes, realizing how that sounded.

"I see," was all she said.

"She slapped me. I think I deserved it, to tell you the truth." 

"Nobody deserves to be the recipient of domestic violence, Valentina,"

"It wasn't domestic violence, for God's sake," she said, not wanting Alba to get confused and see Juliana in a light she really shouldn't. "She's never laid a finger on me. And after that she wouldn't touch me for days. She wanted to die. It wasn't...look, it was a reaction, like when a doctor hits your knee and your leg jumps. I know she didn't mean to do it." 

"And that was the worst fight you had over Isabella?"

She nodded. "yes. Until the day the social worker came."

"You said Juliana was taking the children to Isabella, right?

"Yes."

"Why?"

The flashbacks were instant, as intense and heartbreaking as if it was happening all over again. She remembered what happened with Leonora, her tears, the hospital. She remembers the immediate aftermath, sititng in the kitchet floor in the middle of the night, looking for a bottle that Juliana had already thrown away. She remembered their last fight.

She looked at Alba, the words stuck to her throat. 

Suddenly, somebody knocked on the door. Alba apologized, and got up to open the door. After a few moments of speaking to whoever was on the other side, she turned to look at her. 

"It seems we've run out of time," Alba said, coming back to her chair. "But if you want, you can talk to me again today, my shift ends after 8 pm. I can go to your room if you wish."

Valentina kept quiet. She felt drained already, she didn't think she could keep going today.   
  
"No?" Alba asked. "That's okay. I feel like we've made great progress today, Valentina. Thank you for trusting me."

"I don't have a choice, do I?"

Alba pursed her lips, and gave her a look that felt...honest. Like she actually cared about whatever happened to her. 

"Getting to the bottom of all these problems is going to help us find healthy ways to deal with them, oka?"

"Okay," she answered simply, and got up from her couch. 

She didn't manage to walk ten steps outside her office when she was intercepted by one of the nurses.

"Mrs.Carvajal-Valdés?" the nurse asked, butchering her last name. Valentina nodded.

"You have visits." 

Valentina's heart stopped.

She followed the nurse through the hallways of the clinic, her heart in her throat. She knew who would be visiting her. The only person who would, who she'd been talking about with the psychologist. Her wife. Her favorite person for so long, until she ruined everything. Juliana. 

They stopped in front of the wide room with cristal walls that they used as a visitor's area. And there, she saw her. 

She could recognize Juliana anywhere, even from behind. Her long black hair was in a ponytail, and she was wearing one of the blouses she routinely wore for work. She was beautiful. She hadn't see her face yet, and she knew it, because she simply always was. Juliana was the most beautiful woman in the world. 

Everything twisted inside of her. 

The love she felt for her, how much she missed her, her anger over her absence in the past few moths, even thought she didn't know what she was going through, the resentment over being here and knowing it was her fault.

"You can go in," the nurse said, but her feet remained stuck to the ground. She just needed a second to get herself together before going in.

Juliana turned around, and she saw her wife wasn't alone. 

Leonora was standing in front of her, and NIcolás was in her arms. 


	7. the past is a foreign country

_The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there._

_._

_._

_._

_Juliana turned around, and she saw her wife wasn't alone. _

_Leonora was standing in front of her, and Nicolás was in her arms. _

_It took her breath away. _

She hadn't done anything but think about her family for the past few days, and now they were here. And she was frozen, staring at them from afar.   
  
Leonora was wearing her favorite dress, some Frozen themed monstrosity that she had picked out herself at a Walmart. It had been an endless source of entertainment for her to point out to Juliana that she was a renown fashion designer, and her daughter preferred a $9.99 Walmart dress over something from the children's line of clothing Juliana had designed when Leonora turned two. 

Leo was just a headstrong as Juls. She might have looked like Valentina, thanks to a particularly well chosen sperm donor, but she saw so much of Juliana's personality in their daughter that she was beginning to think it was hereditary. 

She couldn't stop staring at her little girl.

Valentina had taken for granted every moment they spent together at home every day, every puzzle they'd assembled and every extra glass of water Leo had demanded because she didn't want to go to bed just yet. 

Valentina missed her so much.

Tears burnt her throat as she saw the white bandages on her little arms and hands. 

Her eyes landed on Nicolas, who was asleep in Juliana's arms. She wished she was holding him every moment of every day. She missed his pink, chubby cheeks, his little hands, his gummy smiles. He was wrapped in a blanket, and she was reminded of the weather outside. Even though it was summer, the afternoons and nights got breezy and slightly chilly in upstate New York. This place she was in was so sterile and strange that it felt separate from the world, like an airport in the middle of the night.

She hated this place, but she hated herself more for ending up here. 

She dragged her eyes up to look at Juliana, and her heart stopped when she noticed she was already looking at her. Their eyes met through the glass.

She was breathtakingly beautiful, as always, but she looked exhausted. Heartbroken.

She'd done that, to her wife of all people.

"Mommy!" The shrill scream broke her out of her revery. Leonora had realized she was there.

"Leo," she said, hurrying towards the glass door that her daughter was too small to open on her own. Leo jumped up and down she approached, so excited to see her.

Valentina didn't know what to do.

Juliana had said she would bring them to visit her whenever she could, whenever they let her, but she didn't expect it to be so soon and sudden. They had told Leonora that she was a bit sick and that she needed to go somewhere for a while to feel better, but she hadn't thought about this part. She'd wanted to see them desperately, and now that they were here, she didn't know what to say. 

She was embarrassed that her daughter had to see me her this place, wearing a too-big white t-shirt, pants and slippers in the middle of the day, even if she didn't exactly know what was happening.

_Don't cry,_ Valentina told herself. _Don't cry, don't cry. Your daughter is 4 years old and doesn't know what is happening. Do not cry._

She opened the door, and a minute later had a small koala attached to her body.

She hugged her daughter against her chest, breathing easier for the first time in days.

"Hola, mi cielo," she told her, trying not to squeeze her too hard. "How are you?"

"My hands hurt," Leonora complained, moving away a little. Valentina noticed how she tried not to touch anything with her little hands, and she had never seen her daughter be so careful. It hurt.

"Are you taking your medicines?" she asked softly.

"Yes."

"And are you being good for mama?" she asked. Leonora nodded.

"Mommy, when is your sleepover over?"

Her clear blue eyes were the picture perfect of innocence—and confusion. If once upon a time Juliana and her had found Leo's endless questions and wild curiosity amusing, now it just filled her with heartache. She was lying to her, they were both lying to her, because the truth was too difficult to explain. 

"Soon, mi vida," she said, hugging her tightly again. She met Juliana's eyes over Leo's shoulder. 

Juliana was biting her lip, and her brow was furrowed. She knew that expression, and she knew Juls was on the verge of crying. Valentina moved Leonora to her left side, and approached her wife.

Juliana didn't say anything. She just brought Nicolás to her.

"He fell asleep while we waited," she explained. Just hearing Juliana's voice caused a flood of feelings to invade Valentina's chest. She raised a trembling hand and caressed the baby's cheek.

Nico frowned and smacked his lips, and the next second he was opening those dark eyes framed by long eyelashes that she loved so much.

He fussed a little, complaining about being awoken. He looked around.

And as much as Valentina hated these circumstances, she swore she would never forget the look in his eyes when he saw her. He recognized her. His whole face lit up. He woke up fully in an instant and began to move and stretch his arms towards her, requesting to be picked up.

"Yes, that's mommy," Juliana whispered, and passed the baby to her free arm. Valentina closed her eyes, inhaling the sweet baby smell of Nico's hair.

"Mi niño"

"Nico is always crying at night, Mommy," Leonora complained. "Tell him to stop."

She laughed through her tears.

Valentina hugged her two babies and opened her eyes. Juliana was looking at them, and a tear had finally fallen from her eyes. Valentina was angry, she carried so much pain inside herself that she could barely breathe, but still, seeing Juliana was like taking a breath after being underwater. No matter what happened, she loved her.

"Thank you," she said. For bringing them. For not punishing her after everything she's done. There were so many things she was thankful for. 

"They miss you so much," Juliana said. "We all miss you so much."

She carefully lowered Leonora to the ground. She looked at Juliana.

She didn't care about anything.

She didn't care about the fights, or the screaming matches, or that it was her who had sent her here. She was her wife. She was the love of her life. She took a step closer, and Juliana looked taken aback. Valentina wasn't surprised. She had rejected her affection for so long—and shied away from it for even longer. She had sunk into herself and hid away. For a moment she had forgotten that with the each other's support, they were invincible. Valentina extended her arm towards Juliana, and in the next second her arms were around her and the children.

Feeling her hug brought her back to life.

"I'm here," Juliana said, desperately. "I'm right here. How are you?"

She wasn't okay. She was the furthest thing from okay. But at least now she felt complete.

.:.

_"Push."_

_"I can't," Valentina screamed, but the pain in her throat was nowhere near the pain going through her, threatening to split her in half. "I can't, I can't, I can't. Juls..."_

_"Yes you can," Juliana said, brushing sweaty hair away from her face. "You're almost done."_

_She was crying, big fat tears running down her cheeks along with the sweat._

_"I can't."_

_She had planned to give birth in their bed, in their apartment, in peace and quiet. She had been to a midwife along with her OB/GYN throughout her pregnancy, had gone to prenatal yoga, had read all the books on relaxation and a respected childbirth. The idea of being in her house, the freedom it offered, had made the prospect of giving birth seem peaceful. Beautiful._

_The whole peace and quiet part of it had gone out the window as soon as the strongest contractions began, and she decided she wasn't comfortable in bed. Half an hour ago, she had squatted on the floor._

_Time no longer made sense to her. She could have been there for an hour or two days, and it would have felt the same._

_She had crawled on her hands and knees, screamed and cried, and now she was exhausted and in so much pain that she could hardly breathe. The only thing that kept her more or less sane was Juliana, her hands on her body and her eyes searching hers kept her tethered to reality._

_"I'm here, Val. Breathe. I know it hurts. But just breathe. You're almost done. And then we'll meet our baby."_

_Holding the baby had been her main visualization in the beginning. What she focused on through the contractions, while holding Juls's hand. But now...now it didn't even matter. She just needed this to end, she couldn't even think about the baby, or anything that would come after. She just needed to survive this."_

_"Almost there, Mom," their midwife, Joanna said. "Can you push hard on the next contraction?"_

_"Juls..."_

_She was on her knees, slumped over Juliana's shoulder. Juliana reached for her hand and intertwined it with her own._

_"Squeeze as hard as you need to, okay?"_

_She nodded, but felt like she couldn't physically do it. She was exhausted. And then she felt the familiar wave of pain. Her stomach tightened and the pain in her lower back flared. The midwife put pressure on her back, but unlike before, it did little to make her feel better. The pressure and pain between her legs was excruciating._

_She squeezed Juliana's hand so hard that she felt her cringe, clenched her teeth, and pushed. And then something happened. The pain changed. It started to burn._

_"Juliana!"_

_"You can stop pushing, Valetina," she heard the midwife faintly through the ringing in her ears. "Just relax."_

_The midwife grabbed her hand and guided it between her legs._

_"Come, feel his hair. He's almost here."_

_At first she didn't understand what she was feeling, and then she realized it._

_"Oh my God, Juliana, his head."_

_"See? Almost."_

_Juliana's thumbs caressed her cheeks, and she closed her eyes, trying to focus on that feeling and not on the burning pain she felt. She was exhausted, but pushing now would have been a relief, when before it was unbearable. And she couldn't do it._

_"Relax, let your body do the work," Joanna said. "Don't push now or you could tear. Do you want to change positions?"_

_She nodded. Her knees ached._

_"Come, try to lay on your side against your wife, she'll support you."_

_Juliana, just like she had been throughout the delivery, was her rock. She helped her settle in, and Valentina leaned back against her, her head on her shoulder. She was pretty sure her elbow was probably digging into her stomach or something, but she didn't complain._

_"Just relax."_

_It was easier said than done, she thought, but didn't have the energy to tell the midwife._

_"Hey, look at me," Juliana said. "I'm here._

_She met Juliana's eyes. Her dark orbs were so focused on her that for a moment she felt she was the center of the universe. She had never trusted anyone else so much. She concentrated on her, breathed with her, until the pain subsided._

_"The head is out," the midwife announced. "The worst part is over! One last push to bring this baby into the world?"_

_She took a deep breath and grabbed Juliana's arm._

_She felt him leaving her body. A moment later, she heard the most beautiful sound: his voice, crying. She turned slightly, leaning back against Juliana, and the midwife placed him on her stomach. She heard Juliana gasp. The baby stopped crying._

_“Is he okay?” She asked, panicking. _

_"Let me see," the midwife touched him lightly, and seemed satisfied. "He's breathing. He's breathing, he doesn't need to cry."_

_She passed him to her, and she held her son for the first time._

_"I'll give you some time with him, moms, I'm gonna get everything ready to cut the cord."_

_Joanna walked to another part of the room, while she stared at the baby's red little face._

_"You did it," Juliana told her. "You did it. I love you."_

_She couldn't stop looking at her son._

_He was perfect. His eyes were wide, curious, and dark. Those were Juliana's eyes—which she knew was impossible, but she couldn't stop seeing it. His eyes were so dark brown they almost looked black. It was like looking out into a galaxy. She got lost in them. This little baby had her in the palm of his hand, she was already wrapped around his finger. She immediately forgot the pain of the last hours, the crying and screaming of just ten minutes ago._

_"Ready to cut the cord, mama?” The midwife asked._

_Juliana did, and a minute later the baby was wrapped in a blanket and dozing against Valentina's chest. It felt incredible, as if the universe had aligned itself for them. And there was only one thing that would feel better._

_"Juls, hold your son," she said, handing her the baby._

_Juliana smiled through her tears._

_"Hi Nicolás."_

_Juliana cried, in a way that Valentina had seldom seen her cry in all their time together. Juliana kissed her forehead and then looked at her._

_"You're amazing, Val. I love you.” Juliana smiled. "Thank you."_

_"For what?"_

_"For making me a mom again, for loving me, for being with me all these years. For not letting me go that day in the park."_

_Valentina had wondered many times through the years what would have happened if she hadn't apologized to Juliana and talked to her on that bench. If she'd let her walk away. She liked to think that somehow they would have met anyway._

_"Thank you for caring about me," she said, "even when you didn't know me."_

_Juliana leaned forward to press a kiss to her lips._

_"It's like you said. We were destined."_

_A few minutes later she had to push again to deliver the placenta, and finally after that, the birth was over._

_"You're done, Valentina," the midwife announced._

_She took a breath, feeling weak._

_“Now can we go to bed?” Juliana asked in a sarcastic tone._

_Valentina smiled. It was true that she had had no intention of ending up naked on the rug at the foot of their bed when she chose to have a natural home birth. But it had worked out in the end. _

_"I've got you," Juliana said. She carefully he slipped her arms under her knees and behind her back, and lifted her up, lifted them up. She realized how difficult it was, but Juliana didn't complain or stumble. She laid her carefully on the bed._

_"I'm going to tell everyone that he's here," Juliana said, and Valentina shook her head._

_"Not yet," she begged. "Stay with us for a little while."_

_Juliana complied, and got into bed with her. She leaned back in her arms._

_"I love you," she said._

_Nicolás stared up at them without crying, as if he knew there was no reason to do that in this home._

.:.

They sat down on one of the white couches in the corner. 

They weren't the only people in the large, wide room. A few feet away, a woman kept kissing the cheeks of a man that looked thin and grey, his eyes framed by heavy eye bags. Beside them, a very young looking woman twitched under the stare of two people who appeared to be her parents. Valentina looked back at Juliana. She was in the same boat as them.

She could only hope she didn't look that bad, but she had no way to know, as there were no mirrors in her room, not even in the bathroom. 

Leonora was stuck to her side, while Nico fussed in her arms. He turned his face towards her chest, searching. It was automatic, the way she raised her shirt and pulled at the strap of the maternity bra.

"You can't do that here," a nurse said suddenly from behind her. She stopped, although she wasn't entirely sure what she meant. For a moment, she thought she might be referring to feeding the baby if she still had something in her system—which she didn't—but then realized it was something much more stupid and mundane. 

Juliana leveled the nurse with a stare.

"Why? She's trying to feed our baby," she said. The nurse's cheek's went red. 

"I'm sorry. I meant, you'll have more privacy in your room," she said. 

Valentina rolled her eyes while she put her shirt back in place. What a way to say they were uncomfortable with them breastfeeding in public.

"I thought I couldnt go to my room," she told her. That's what she had been told her first day here, during the quasi-welcome tour of the facilities. That she couldn't receive visits in her room. That all interactions with friends and family members had to be strictly during visiting hours, and public. Valentina guessed that rule was in place in case someone brought drugs or booze to a patient. 

"We'll make an exception," the nurse said. 

Valentina thanked her lucky stars americans were as uptight about breastfeeding as they were. She soothed Nico while they walked through the hallways of the clinic. Julina picked up Leonora, and Valentina wondered if she thought the same thing she did in that moment. What could she see, in this place? There were dangerous people here, she was sure. She'd seen someone having a seizure in a couch, caused by withdrawals, and all but one of the nurses had kept walking around like it was a normal sight. 

Nico began to cry, and her breasts hurt, a reminder that the stupid pump she used to relieve the pressure of milk was nothing like actually getting to feed her sun. 

They got to her room and the nurse left, promising to come find them when visiting time was over.

She was focused on Nicolás and Leonora, but she noticed Juliana looking around the room. Valentina looked at her desk, and relaxed when she saw that the notebook where she was writing the letters Alba had asked her to write in therapy, was closed. She sat on the bed to feed Nico, and the baby started suckling right away. He was desperate. He just swallowed and swallowed almost without breathing, like he was starving. Valentina panicked.

She felt his little body in her arms, and she could swear he was slimmer than he was a few days ago, lighter.

"Juliana, is he eating?" She looked at her, sure Juliana could see the alarm in her eyes. "Juliana, he's thinner. It's been three days and he feels lighter-"

"He doesn't like the formula," Juliana said. "He's not used to it. But he is eating. I already talked to the pediatrician."

Valentina brought the baby even closer to her. They had just arrived and she already felt the pain of them leaving. It hurt to see Nico eating so desperately.

“Can't you bring them?” she asked desperately, her heart in her throat. "If you bring him every day..."

She didn't have to see Juliana's expression to know it would be impossible.

"Valentina..:"

"I know. I know, you can't drive 2 hours here and back every day."

"They're not open for visits every day, either."

She nodded.

Juliana pulled the desk chair closer to the bed, and sat opposite her.

"He'll get used to it in time."

"It's my fault our baby is starving."

"He doesn't want to take formula, but he's eating cereal, and vegetable pure, and chopped fruit. He's drinking water...He's okay. At this age Leonora was more interested in food than breast milk."

"But he is different than Leonora, and he is doing it by force-"

“Valentina!” Juliana exclaimed, cutting her off in the midst of her avalanche of words. "He's not starving. I'm taking care of him."

Valentina nodded. The last thing she meant to do was suggest that Juliana didn't know how to take care of him.

"I know," she told Juliana. "It's the only thing that gives me a little bit of peace in here."

She focused on Nico, who had finally calmed down enough to eat as he normally did, with his eyes closed and her little hand on her chest.

"How's Leo doing?" she asked Juliana.

"I'm fine," Leonora said, leaning against her side. Valentina smiled faintly. 

"The doctor says she's doing well. She is sleeping without the bandages now. It doesn't look so bad anymore."

Valentina looked at her hands. Leo was sitting on the bed next to her, playing with a pen that she had on her nightstand. She held it only with the tips of her fingers. Valentina still remembered her sobs, the red, swollen skin...

"Did he say anything about her nerves?"

Juliana nodded. Valentina held her breath.

"They weren't affected. Once the skin heals she'll have to go to occupational therapy a couple times, but there's no permanent damage. She's going to be okay."

Valentina nodded, taking a deep breath. She would never have forgiven herself if that day had ruined her daughter's life. She looked up at Juliana.

"And how are you?"

"I'm fine." Juliana looked away. Valentina bit her lip.

The tension was still there, the earlier hug hadn't changed that. The echo of so many fights still hung between them, so many months of problems and resentment not easily forgotten.

"How are things with the company?" Valentina asked, trying to fill the silence.

Juliana shrugged.

"They understand that I have to take care of my family, and besides, it's my company, I get to decide whether I work from home or not."

"The big boss," Valentina said, with a half smile.

"What you wanted, isn't it?" Juliana asked harshly.

Valentina remembered all the times she had complained about Isabella, her stupid jealousy when she told Juliana that she didn't act like her boss.

Juliana ran her hand over her face.

"I'm sorry. How are you, Val?"

"I'm okay."

"How...how are they treating you?"

"They treat me well. The food is...it's terrible, to be honest," she said, trying to lighten the mood. It was awkward. There were so many things that she wanted to discuss with her but couldn't because Leonora was listening.

"Come home, mommy," Leonora begged. "We can get pizza. And McDonald's. And burguess."

"Burgers?"

Leonora nodded excitedly. It broke her heart not to be able to say yes.

"I can't go yet, mi cielo. But mama can take you out to eat burgers later, right?"

She looked at Juliana. She nodded. They could be in a bad place with each other, but they were always on the same page when it came to their children.

Leonora sighed dramatically and leaned back against her, watching her little brother eat.

Valentina looked at Juliana, who felt so far from her. She felt a slight dejavu, as if she had experienced this before, and then remembered a very similar day: Nicolás' birth.  
  
It had been 8 months since then, and she couldn't understand how they had gotten here.

.:.

_Valentina leaned back against the headboard while the midwife checked the baby a second time. She wrapped a towel around her shoulders as she watched her measure the baby's pulse and breathing. She had helped her clean up a bit and put a blanket over her legs before, but she still felt very far from normal._

_"And that's an Apgar score of 8. You have a perfectly healthy baby."_

_Nicolas was returned to her arms just in time for the door to open and Juliana to peek inside._

_"There's someone who wants to see you." _

_She opened the door, and Leonora ran inside._

_"Mommy!"_

_"Leo, Mommy is tired," Juliana said quickly. "Be careful."_

_Her eyes opened wide like dinner plates when she saw the baby._

_"Mi cielo, come here," she said._

_She carefully climbed onto the bed with Juliana's help._   
  
_"Mommy, you're sweaty," Leo pointed out. Valentina laughed._   
  
_"Leonora, this is your little brother," she said, introducing her to the little blanket-wrapped bundle she was holding in her arms. Leo reached out to touch him, but Juliana intercepted her arm._   
  
_"Be very gentle, okay?"_

_Leonora nodded. She gently touched the baby's cheek._

_"He small."_

_"Yes."_

_"And ugly."_

_“Leonora!” Juliana scolded, holding back her laughter._

_They'd both dreamed of the moment when they would introduce their daughter to her little brother, and Valentina didn't think either of them expected her to say something like that._

_"Did it come out of your belly button?" Leonora asked._

_"I wish. Probably would have hurt less."_

_"Val," Juliana reproached. "No, Leo, he...that's a conversation for later, okay?"_

_"Did you poop it?"_

_Valentina laughed at Leonora's question, even though the act itself hurt. This really was nothing like the magical, moving moment they had imagined, but somehow it was better. She heard a camera shutter fire, and looked up to see that the midwife had taken a picture of them. Their first photo with Nicolás as part of the family._   
  
_"I'll send it to you later," Joanna promised. "Do you want to try feeding him?” she asked._

_Valentina nodded, somewhere between nervous and excited. Juliana had tried to explain a few times how it felt when she breastfed Leonora, but she'd never really understood. She assumed it was one of those experiences that you only understood when you did it._   
  
_“What's Mommy doing?” Leonora asked, and then she heard Juliana explain that babies drank milk from their mommies. She didn't appreciate Leo asking if she was like the mother cow in her storybook, but she was too busy paying attention to the midwife._

_"It might be uncomfortable the first few times when the milk comes down, and if he doesn't get a good latch at first."_   
  
_"I know, Juls prepared me for that."_   
  
_"Well, look at that," Joanna said. "The benefits of being two women."_

_Valentina brought Nico to her chest. It took him a few moments to suckle. It was uncomfortable at first, almost painful, and then it was a little strange, but it felt...right. Juliana was by her side, just like she'd been throughout the delivery. She could feel her support, her strength, like a tangible thing. Leonora was curious about her little brother and seeing her gently hold his tiny foot in the most delicate way she had ever seen her hold something, almost brought tears to her eyes. She knew that Leo would be the best older sister in history._

_Her family was complete, together, and happy. She couldn't ask for anything more._

.:.

Valentina put one of the pillows on the edge of the bed, as a barrier in case Nicolás woke up.

Leonora was lying next to him, and although she wasn't asleep, she could see that she was halfway there. She was playing some game in Juliana's cell phone, and the phone was increasingly lax in her hands.

Now that the children were distracted, they could finally talk.

Juliana seemed to share her thoughts, because as soon as she finished accommodating Nicolás, she felt Juliana's hand on her shoulder.

"I have to tell you something," Juliana said. Valentina turned around.

"Me too."

She needed to tell her that she didn't mean it—that she didn't want a divorce. She needed her to know that everything that had come out of her mouth had been tinged with resentment and alcohol, and that she regretted the person she'd been. That she needed her more than anything, that she wanted them to go back to the people they used to be once this is over.

But she owed her at least this, letting her talk.

"Your first," she told her. 

Juliana met her eyes. 

"It's about the report to CPS."


	8. the heart’s desire for a painkiller

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter we go back a few months to begin understanding how Valentina came to be in the state she's in...

_Love is the heart’s desire for a painkiller; a tearful plea for a great big epidural. Yes, that’s it: love is the only anesthesia that really works. _

**.**

**.**

**.**

_"There's absolutely nothing wrong with that."_

_Guille's brown eyes regarded her warmly. He had the same eyes her mother had had, and although Valentina didn't remember too much about her, she did remember how she made her feel—like nothing could go wrong in the world as long as she was around. _

_She felt like that now. Guille made her feel protected, so at peace with what she'd just told him._

_"So who is it?" he paused, teasing. "Juliana?"_

_Valentina smiled, giving herself away. A complicit smile appeared on her brother's face._

_She breathed easier than she had all day and his next words cemented that feeling of tranquility in her. She was still worried about her sister's reaction, and what people would say—but Guille had been the first person to validate this for her._

_It was okay that she was in love, and it was okay it was with a woman. Her brother had her back, she wasn't alone. _

_Everything would be fine. _

* * *

Valentina climbs the stairs, the shopping bags in her hands making the journey ten times more difficult than normal.

Juliana had stayed home with Nicolás and Leonora while she made the trip to the supermarket. It was about time. They had been home for 2 days, and had spent that first day doing nothing but sleeping. Valentina hadn't gotten out of bed, hadn't even showered, and had eaten very little. She had no jetlag to complain about, but she'd ran herself ragged the past 2 months, and the funeral had exhausted her last remaining reserves of energy.

She had been on autopilot after Guille's death.

Those few short days they were back in New York, doing what had to be done, getting dressed, feeding the kids...autopilot. They flew back to Mexico for the funeral. And when all of that was done and they'd come home permanently...that's when it started to feel real. That first day back, she stayed in bed. Juliana hadn't argued, what's more, she had stayed there with her.

Leonora, too, had apparently sensed their mood, because she was content to sit quietly in the room and color on the floor, which was rare for her. She had slept nap after nap with Nico in her arms most of the day, her baby's smile the only thing that managed to lift her spirits a little. But for the first time she couldn't return it, no matter how hard she tried. And she cried a few times, too, no matter how hard she tried not to.

She had had to get out of bed today, although neither of them had done anything other than order food and watch TV. Leonora was still on winter break from the small private school where she spent 3 days a week preparing her for real school. Juliana hadn't returned to work, hadn't even mentioned it. And Valentina was adrift.

Mateo had taken over her responsibilities at the company, and had made it clear before the funeral that she could get involved again only when she felt ready. It felt like everything and everyone was on pause. But her family couldn't continue living off of UberEats, so she'd volunteered to go to the supermarket.

She needed to get out of the house; escape the gloomy, heavy atmosphere that seemed to drown her when she was between those 4 walls, but upon arriving at Whole Foods, she realized it was her. Al her. It was as if a dark cloud was following her, and she didn't know what to do, except wait for it to pass.

She growls as she reaches the top of another flight of stairs. Her fingers are losing circulation due to the weight of the bags, but she'd chosen to use the stairs for a reason, even though they lived on the seventh floor. She needed to feel her legs burn. She needed to feel that it was difficult to breathe, as her lungs fought for oxygen. That feeling of exhaustion was vital to calm the horrible nervousness that registered in her body like the distant noise of a radiator in a different room. Always there, always present. That uneasy feeling she didn't want to think about.

"Oh, hello!"

She looks up. She hadn't even realized that the older woman is there, but her neighbor is literally looking down her nose at her, as she stands a couple of steps above her on the stairs. Valentina tries to put on a good face for her downstairs neighbor.

"I thought you'd moved," the elderly woman says.

Valentina nods. They'd spent so much time outside the apartment that it made sense she thought that. Just another reminder of how different things were now. 

"No, no," she replies. "We just went back home to Mexico for a little while." 

Going back to Mexico was the only explanation she could give while keeping herself from falling apart, although the short phrase fell short of describing the nightmare the past distressing weeks had been.

"Mexico, huh?" You don't seem Mexican. I mean, your wife does, but you don't."

Valentina can't help wrinkling her nose at her neighbor's comment. There was no such thing as looking Mexican in the first place, with the vast array of people her home country had; and in the second place, she was sure her neighbor thought telling her that she didn't look it was a compliment. And to say that Juliana did...she shakes her head. Certain New Yorkers weren't very progressive.

"My wife is American, actually," Valentina tells her. "She was born in Texas." 

Her marriage to Juliana had been the reason she had obtained a residence permit and then her green card so quickly. 

"Well, look at that," the woman says with a polite, stiff smile. "And what were you doing?"

"Family matters," she says to answer her admittedly nosy question. The woman—her name slips Valentina's mind—waits expectantly, but that's all she's giving her. It _had_ been family matters that had taken them back to Mexico, and she has no desire or strength to explain them.

"I see. Well, say hi to the little ones for me."

She smiles as best as she can, and continues on her way up the stairs. She wouldn't be saying anything to her babies on her behalf.

She goes up to their apartment, the last floor before the stairs let up into the roof. She takes a deep breath, and gathers her strength before entering.

* * *

  
"Leo is asleep," Juliana says as she walks in the room. "And Nico?"

Valentina looks at the baby boy sleeping next to her in the bed.

"Same."

They'd cooked some dinner earlier, dusting off the kitchen that had gone unused for weeks. They tried to create a semblance of normality, although nothing felt normal. If not for them, for the children. Nico didn't know what was going on, and there were limits to what Leonora could understand.

“Should I take him to his crib?” Juliana asks.

Valentina shakes her head.

"Not yet. Just a little while longer." 

Having Nico around her is a balm. He's the only person who doesn't realize that she's different. Juliana always looks worried about her, and Leonora has asked her why she doesn't want to play with her like before. But Nico and his smiles that were all gums haven't changed. Even asleep, it comforts her.

"Okay."

Juliana climbs onto the bed, and she turns on her side so they are face to face.

"How are you?"

She sighs at her wife's question. She combs Nico's downy hair as he thinks about her answer, truly thinks about it instead of giving in to her first instinct to simply say what she thinks Juliana wants to hear. Juliana deserves that much. 

She looks her wife in the eye.

"Sometimes I forget he's not here anymore," she says honestly, the only way she can explain it. She doesn't miss Guille in tangible actions, but in his absences. The places where he should be and isn't. "Sometimes I think I have to call him, or that he'd like to see a drawing Leo made..." Her throat burns, and a moment later she feels warm tears fall to her temple.

Juliana got closer to her, almost pressing Nicolás against her chest.

“We're going to get through this together, okay, mi amor?” The warmth of her palm on her cheek was grounding. "I don't have to go back to work right away. Let's do this little by little, okay?"

She nods.

"Little by little," Valentina repeats. 

Juliana kisses her forehead, and she closes her eyes.

"I'll be right back. I'm going to put Nico in his crib,” she says, picking Nico up in her arms.

Valentina falls asleep before he comes back, the demons in her head momentarily silent.

* * *

She wakes up around 3 in the morning, thirsty.

She gets out of bed, and makes her way through the top floor of their apartment. She peeks into Leo's room, to check that she's asleep. Her daughter is sleeping peacefully in her bed. Valentina covers her feet with the blanket. She checks on Nico too, his crib on the opposite side of his sister's room. Juliana and her moved the crib to Leo's room after neither of them was able to fall asleep and stay that way the first night they were back home.

They'd become so used to sharing a room during their time in Mexico that neither of them wanted to sleep alone any more. Juliana and her weren't going to make a fuss about that. These days, anything that brought anyone even a little comfort was a gift.

After making sure that both her babies were asleep, she walked down the loft's staircase.

She usually got thirsty after breastfeeding, but she fell asleep last night and hadn't had a drink in hours. Her throat was parched.

She enters the darkened kitchen and pours herself a tall glass of water. She has to turn on the light to put ice on it. She's still expecting the refrigerator to be on her left, like it was at Guille's house.

She's putting the glass back in its place when she sees it on the counter.

A bottle of rum.

One of the few things that wouldn't go bad throughout their time in Mexico. One of the few items that the cleaning lady left behind when Juliana asked her to grab all the perishable food from the apartment and take it for herself or give it away.

The nervous, haunting feeling that has been bothering her all day focused on her fingertips and took on a name.

Valentina recognizes it for what it is.

The desire to pour herself a drink.

* * *

Juliana's presence keeps it at bay.

It works for those first 2 weeks they spend returning to normal life.

They all go to the supermarket together, in the car. They buy a decent amount of food this time. They take the kids to Central Park and let Leo jump into puddles of melted snow in her rain boots.

She speaks to Mateo about the company was, understanding of the fact that she was the last Carvajal who could still be the face of the media empire, although Mateo is the boss in every other aspect. Juliana works from home and spends most of the day on her laptop or on the phone. Isabella, Juliana's assistant, often comes to bring her papers to sign or designs to approve of. Little by little, they return to their usual routine.

Valentina still feels like she is falling apart, yes, but focusing on the things she can control, what she _can_ do...taking care of the kids, of Juliana, cooking, answering emails with her opinion on matters of Grupo Carvajal...it keeps her sane. Things almost feel normal.

And then Juliana has to go back to work.

* * *

Without Juliana in the house in the mornings, she stopped making breakfast.

Nicolás was still exclusively breastfeeding, and Leonora was happy having her favorite cereal, or fruit. When she asked, Valentina would make pancakes for her, but thankfully it wasn't very often. For the first time in a while she was happy that her daughter had grown up in America, and was used to simple American breakfasts. Growing up in Mexico, Silvina had spoiled her with chilaquiles and huevos rancheros whenever she asked for it, and Valentina wouldn't have been able to summon the energy to cook things so elaborate. Those days, she seldom mustered the energy to do anything at all in the mornings past getting out of bed, not even eating herself. 

She was never hungry in the mornings anyways.

They didn't go out. Her friends in Manhattan stopped calling after she declined their invitations to get coffee a dozen times. The other moms at Leonora's school stopped sending messages. In a way, it was a relief. She didn't want to go out, didn't want to talk to anyone.

She and her little troop often went back to bed after breakfast. She would lie down to sleep another couple of hours, with Nico peacefully dozing in her arms or in the bed next to her. She was careful to put pillows around him case he moved. At 4 months old, he still couldn't roll, but when he was on his stomach he could hold his head up and look at her, and it seemed to her the cutest thing in the world.

Leonora colored on the floor, or watched cartoons Valentina would put on her laptop.

She would get out of bed when Leo asked for lunch. She took a quick shower some days, and didn't at all on others. She had two very young children in her care, and if Nico was awake, it was unthinkable to leave him unsupervised. Who could blame her if some days she couldn't take a shower? It was what she told herself to justify the weight she was carrying, the way that even the air in the room felt thick and difficult to breathe.

More than missing her brother, Valentina was consumed by his absence, and her parents', and Eva's too, so far away as she was in a jail in Mexico.

She tried to make nice things for Leonora for lunch. She made her soup, pasta, lasagna. For some time, cooking distracted her, allowed her to focus on something else. That nervous energy returned from time to time and she was just trying not to think about it. Cooking lunch felt like an escape.

And then she stopped doing it. Like with breakfast, it seemed like an insurmountable task, something else she had to deal with that was heavy and impossible to accomplish. She started using the air fryer more often. French fries, nuggets. Frozen vegetables that were done fast in the microwave. Macaroni and cheese boxes. Leonora loved them all, and Valentina told herself that this was what children usually ate for lunch, and without the vegetables. She was feeding her, and that was what mattered.

But it didn't stop her from feeling guilty. And the guilt only brought back that desire to have a drink, to be alone for just a moment. To be able to forget, without being asleep. She just wanted to breathe easier.

She started taking naps in the afternoon, at the same time Leonora did. She'd used that time to clean up a little before, tidy up the children's rooms or talk to Mateo, but she could pay someone to do the former, and Mateo had told her that she didn't have to return to her position until she was ready anyways.

She wasn't. 

She didn't even feel ready to face the day, let alone think about working, organizing dinners or managing donations.

Afternoons were the only time that felt normal. She usually started preparing dinner so that it would be ready when Juliana got home. She would walk through the door around 5, and Leonora would run into her arms. Juliana would cover her in kisses. She'd say hi to Nico, who was usually in his playpen. And then she'd focus her attention on her. 

Juliana took her in her arms and kissed her. Not like that first day, no. That afternoon in her pool they were nervous, confused, threading carefully. No, Juliana kissed her like she had no doubt that she was the love of her life, with confidence. The familiarity of years together.

She would get home, and Valentina would breathe a little easier.

If dinner wasn't ready, she would help her finish the cooking. They ate together and talked about their days. Juliana was preparing her designs for New York Fashion Week, and was still catching up after being away for over a month. After eating they'd all watch a family movie, and eat dessert.

They would put the children to bed and spent a little more time awake themselves, alone. Juliana believed that talking would help her, but after not thinking about anything else all day she really just wanted to be with her, to be _them_ again. So little by little, the only place where she heard her brother's name was in her head.

And so the weeks flew by. Each day feeling the same as the one before.

Until the pattern changed.

That day, Renata sent her a message, and the innocent text was the detonator to everything. She and her sister in law usually talked about the children, or their work, when they texted each other, but that morning Valentina received a photo of Guille and her. Guille couldn't be more than 13 or 14 in the photo, and she was just a girl. Seeing that photo...it undid her. She didn't get out of bed all morning. Leonora asked for breakfast. She wanted toast with scrambled eggs, but Valentina told her they had run out, and served her cereal. The first of many lies she would tell in the months to come.

She stayed on the couch all day. When lunch time rolled around, she ordered pizza, and Leo was delighted.

She couldn't stop thinking about that photo. She couldn't do anything other than remember her childhood, how happy she had been when her Mom was still alive. The trips to Disney, to Paris, to Tokyo. Walking hand in hand with her mom and dad in the sandy beaches of Cancun. Chasing Guille around their beach house. Annoying Eva. The happy time before the cancer took hold of Mom, and Dad started working more, and Guille and Eva grew up. Before she grew up, and left childish things behind. The nostalgia that filled Valentina was heavier than usual, more painful.

Dad, Mom and Guille: They were all dead now. And Eva was locked behind the bars of a prison hundreds of kilometers from there. Her niece hardly knew her.

Valentina fed Nico, and wondered if he could somehow feel what she was feeling. When she was pregnant, if Juliana made me laugh, soon after she could feel him spinning in the belly. Kicking, moving. As if he was happy because Valentina was. Juliana had teased her a few times, joking that her milk would curdle if she got mad.

Valentina fell asleep on the sofa while Leonora ate her pizza, thinking about that phrase which was funny at the time, and didn't seem like it anymore.

Her dreams turned into nightmares.

She was spinning but could not wake up. She was holding Nico in her arms but didn't feel it. In her dream she saw him cry and the more anguish she felt, the more he cried, as if it were her fault, or he was connected to her somehow. She nursed him and a bitter whisper inside her head told her she was feeding him poison.

"Valentina?"

Her eyes popped open, and she found Juliana in front of her. How long had she slept?

"Hello Beautiful."

She sat up. 

"Hello," she greeted her, and kissed her. "What time is it?"

"Half past five."

"Damn."

"I texted you earlier, did you see it? To know what we'd be having for dinner."

Valentina rubbed her eyes.

"I didn't make anything, sorry."

Juliana shrugged her shoulders.

"That's okay. Actually, it's perfect. Do you want to go out to eat?"

"No...not really," she replied. She didn't want to go out. The mere thought of having to dress up and put makeup on gave me a headache.

"Okay. I can order something. What are you in the mood for?"

"I don't know. Can you choose?"

Valentina didn't want to think. Her nightmare was still making the rounds in her head like a spinning top, and she felt more irritable than normal.

"Okay." Juliana smiled, and Valentina recognized the tender, placating smile for what it was."I brought you something. Close your eyes."

"Juls...I'm really not in the mood for that."

Juliana bit her lip. Valentina saw the hurt wash over her expression. She moved away, and produced a small bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates from behind the sofa.

"Happy Valentine's Day."

Valentina was speechless. She didn't know what day it was, she hadn't checked the calendar in a long time—every day felt the same as the one before. She took the flowers carefully, her fingers brushing Juliana's.

"It's Valentine's Day?"

Juliana's expression morphed into one of understanding.

"Yes, February 14th. Didn't you see the news?"

"No, it...slipped past me. I'm sorry."

She gave Juliana a hug, and her wife squeezed her between her arms. It felt almost like she was holding all her pieces in place.

"Love, nothing happens," he said, stroking my back.

"Thank you," I said, pulling away from her to look at my flowers.

Yellow tulips. Juliana had never followed the cliches of red roses on Valentine's Day, and she always brought me flowers that had been my favorite color for so long. The good humor that yellow brought me had disappeared, but Juliana's gesture was not lost on me. It made me fall in love with her even more — and feel guilty.

"I'm sorry," I said, looking her in the eye. "I don't have anything for you." Her voice cracked.

"_Mi amor._" Juliana took her face in her hands. Her thumbs caressed her cheeks. "It's been a difficult week. I'm not asking you to celebrate, and I didn't want you to give me anything. I just...I don't know. It felt wrong to let the day pass us by. I got Leo chocolates too. Maybe it was a bad idea—"

"No. It wasn't a bad idea," Valentina told her. Juliana nodded. "Thank you," Valentina said. Her wife smiled at her.

"But, if you really want to give me something..." Juliana trailed off, "...give me a smile."

She looked at her, those brown eyes that had made her fall in love the moment she met her even though she hadn't known it was love at the time. Sitting in front of her was the woman who had been the best friend she had ever had, her confidant, her first and only love. The person who had rescued her from the hole into which her father's death had plunged her. The woman who had become her girlfriend, then her wife. And then the mother of her two children.

Smiling when she wanted to do nothing but cry was the most difficult thing in the world. But she did it. For her.

* * *

  
They ordered Italian food that night, lasagna and raviolis, and Leonora was delighted to eat pizza a second time on the same day. They all ate the box of chocolates Juliana bought her for dessert, and then saw The Princess Diaries, the first time Leonora saw it. She loved it.

She fed Nico while Juliana gave her a delicious shoulder massage, and by 8, the children were asleep, and the apartment was quiet. They didn't go down to the living room again, as they usually did. Neither of them had watching another movie in mind.

They entered their room, and Juliana closed the door—and locked it.

The shudder that ran through her body surprised her, because she hadn't felt it in a long time. She had no energy left most days, let alone desire. They hadn't been together for more than three weeks, before they left Mexico. She hadn't even had room in her head to think about it.

But now she couldn't think of anything else.

It was instantaneous, as she turned around and Juliana was already waiting for me. Their kisses were quick and desperate, breaking the line between want and need. There was no reason to start slow. Their lips knew each other, their tongues had perfected this dance through the years, and their fingers had already explored every inch of each other's skin. No, they had no reason or desire to go slowly.

Juliana had her in her underwear in a minute, and Valentina followed shortly, removing her jeans and sensible blouse. Valentina pressed her mouth between Juliana's legs a few moments later. She made Juliana come with her tongue, and that moment when she heard her moan and felt her fingers tangled in her hair, pulling...there was nothing in the world that could give her that pleasure.

They met face to face, and Juls wiped her chin with her hand, laughing. She made a move as if to go down on her too, but Valentina didn't let her.

"No. I want to see you."

They settled into bed, on the mattress whose sheets they'd already tangled. Juliana's thigh between her legs gave her the friction she needed, and her eyes on hers the connection she was looking for. She kissed her, and it ignited a fire inside her that she hadn't felt in a long time.

_Joie de vivre_, she had heard as a teenager in French classes. The joy of being alive. And she hadn't felt so alive in weeks, so grateful to the world because she had this, a beautiful person who loved her.

She delighted in Juliana's attention, in her kisses, in the warmth of her body, in her hands that surely began to play her like an instrument that she knew intimately and was an expert performing with.

Valentina started to move frantically, lust taking control of her body. Her hips swayed against Juliana's as she penetrated her. She groaned with abandon, focused on Juliana and nothing but Juliana.

The fingers of her other hand sank into the muscles of her back, and her hands gripped her behind. After so many weeks of anxiety and sadness this moment felt like a catharsis.

The delicious pressure increased, until it was finally released. A few tears escaped her when she came, biting Juliana's lower lip. Her entire body seemed to contract around her fingers.

"I missed you so much," Juliana whispered against her neck, against her collarbones. Her thumb still caressed her clit and she kept shuddering, but didn't want her to stop. "I miss you. Val, I love you."

"I love you too," she sighed, melting into the sheets. Juliana, so perfectly tuned to her, stopped.

They intertwined, sweaty and tired, all tangled legs and foreheads pressed together.

Reality slowly seeped into my bubble, and everything caught up to her at once. Juliana was in front of her, perfect and beautiful, but for how long? The universe was cruel, and it took away what you wanted most when you least expected it.

Not everyone had a "happily ever after."

Juliana looked her in the eyes, her fingers on her neck. She saw a question in her gaze, as if she wanted to know what was going on in her head. She couldn't explain it, but she could tell him the truth.

"I have a terrible fear of losing you," Valentina whispered. The words left her lips and filled the space between their bodies. In her mind's eye, she saw them slide down Juliana's clavicle, be inhaled by her lungs.

"I'm here," Juliana said. "I'm not going anywhere."

"I love you," Valentina repeated.

"I love you more than anything in the world," Juliana told her. "You and the children are my life. Our family...happy and complete and healthy, that's all that matters to me."

_Our family isn't complete_, Valentina didn't say it, but she thought it. Guille was gone, and Juliana would never miss him the same way she did. That stung. But she said nothing. She didn't want to ruin this delicate moment of connection. She pressed one last kiss to her wife's lips before snuggling against her and letting exhaustion pull her under. But before she did, a thought entered her mind.

_I missed you so much_, Juliana had said. And then: _I miss you_. In the _present_ tense.

As if she wasn't there, or wasn't the same. And it was true. She wasn't the same. And it was obvious Juliana missed her. And truth be told, Valentina missed herself. 

She missed everything touching her, not just the bad. That a commercial could make her snort, or that she could notice the flowers growing through the asphalt of the sidewalk. That anything could make me smile. Juliana pinching her for talking too loud in the morning when she hadn't fully woken up. She didn't recognize herself.

She was getting further and further away from who she was, that woman who always managed to see the good side of things, the woman who had enough energy for her children...the woman Juliana missed. She knew why, and she couldn't help feeling that there was an obvious solution, a way to keep herself afloat in the immense sea of grief in which she was drowning.

She began to think that maybe if she just had a drink she could be happy again for a moment, even if the feeling was manufactured. If only she could remember what it was like to be alright even once—maybe she could hold onto that feeling.

As the snow melted in New York City, Valentina felt colder than ever, and like her options were running out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Leave me a comment if you liked it.


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